NEW STORY UP
by wickedones
Summary: Nicky Nichols has spent most her life chasing drugs left and right. Drugs served as an escape from isolation and loneliness, a replacement for the mother who never truly loved her. Heroin was her escape from reality, until she's faced with the worst addictive drug in existence - Jamie Spencer.
1. Chapter 1

**So this is a new story I've been working on for a while. Piper and Alex have such an interesting history together that I decided Nicky deserved one too. This story takes place beginning of season two and follows through until season three.**

 **Hope you guys like it.**

 **Disclaimer - I don't own OITNB.**

* * *

My breath caught in my throat. The lights illuminating the electrical room flickered, and Luschek's words rang in my head.

"It's hers!" he said, pointing to Nicky. He glanced at me and pointed to me next. "Or hers - fuck, it's not mine! I swear! I mean, I once smoked pot, and sometimes meth, but fuck no, not heroin!"

Caputo's narrowed eyes studied Nicky and I as Officer Donaldson held the small baggie of heroin. I knew Nicky had originally kept some of Vee's stolen candy for herself, but fuck me if I ever thought she'd hide it here.

"It's mine," I said. Nicky frantically looked at me, but my eyes remained dead set on Caputo. "It's mine, sir."

"And how do I know that isn't a load of bullshit?" he said, gesturing to Nicky. "Trying to save her ass?"

"Because I told you it was mine," I deadpanned. "It's my heroin. I hid it."

Caputo blinked at me, pausing to look back at Nicky before he motioned to me. "Take her down the hill."

Officer Ford and Officer Donaldson approached me. One of them handcuffed my hands and the other gripped my shoulders, pulling me towards the door.

Nicky was yelling something. I glanced over my shoulder at her as they ushered me out the door. She was shaking and her eyes were locked with mine, and for a moment I caught the regret filling them, but the door closed before my mind could register any of her words.

Officer Donaldson led me through the halls of Litchfield. Inmates left and right blankly watched me, but I kept my eyes straight ahead of me. My wrists wiggled in the handcuffs, and he jerked my body forward. We passed a corner and I saw Red and Lorna quickly approach me.

"Wait!" Lorna said. Red quickly moved in front of us and he yelled at her to step aside, but she ignored his works and cupped my cheeks.

"Jamie, where is this coming from?" she asked, pinching my cheeks together with her hands. "You know could have come to me. Why didn't you come to me?"

"Tell Nicky I love her, okay?" I said. "Tell her I love her and I fucking hate her."

Officer Donaldson was pulling me away. I quickly told her I loved her, and she was calling something out to me, but it was only her sobs that registered in my mind.

The sun outside glistened in the sky. He tucked my neck down as he guided me into the van, and I positioned myself in the seat. The handcuffs were choking my wrists, and I felt like I was suffocating in the van.

"Spencer," Pennsatucky said, grinning as she adjusted the mirror to look at me. She started the car up as one of the guards told her to take me down the hill. "Looks like you're finally getting out."

My lips pressed together, and she flickered her eyes back up to the mirror.

"Look at it this way, things can't get any shittier," she said, smiling as she shrugged her shoulders. "Right?"

"I don't know about that," I said, thinking about Nicky and what she would do. Fear settled inside me when we approached the max facility, but if it meant saving Nicky's ass, I would survive. I had to.

Because it's what I always did.

 _Five Months Earlier_

Sirens were blaring in my head, and my movements slowed. Blood dripped off my knuckles, down onto my bare legs and eventually to the ground. My pulse was racing with adrenaline.

When the police cars pulled up to the curb, I was leaning against a building with my heart beating a million miles. Two police officers approached me and immediately handcuffed me, another one checking on the limp body lying helplessly on the ground.

They didn't ask any questions. All the evidence was present - the blood on my knuckles, the limp body, not a visible bruise on me. He didn't fight back and didn't try, not until the third punch.

He didn't get very far.

An ambulance soon arrived to the scene. They began lifting him onto a stretcher and rushing him into the back of the ambulance. A police officer ducked my head as they pushed me into the backseat of the car.

I didn't glance behind me at the ambulance driving off in the opposite direction. My body ached with a mixture of fear and agony.

We arrived to the station shortly, and the police officers roughly jerked me around the building until they led me to an interrogation room.

I sat in the chairs stiff as a rock for hours. Maybe it was only a few minutes. The lights above me flickered, and my foot tapped impatiently.

A lady police officer eventually entered the room and closed the door behind her, sitting across from me with a cup of coffee.

Silence filled the room. Maybe I was supposed to start talking first. Maybe she was waiting for me to spout some bullshit about how innocent I was and how I didn't deserve to go to prison.

"Tell me what happened," she said, brushing her hands over a folder lying in front of her. She took a sip of her coffee and arched her eyebrow, but my lips remained sealed. "Alright. I'll do the talking."

She opened the folder and skimmed through some pages. "Casey Brookes. Male. Thirty years old. Correct?"

Her eyes flickered up to me from the papers, and my head nudged enough to nod.

"When we arrived to the scene, you didn't appear to be attacking him anymore," she said, taking another drink of her coffee. "Something made you stop because he still had a pulse. I need you to tell me everything that happened, because it might just guarantee less time you'll spend in prison."

My lips twitched with a response just dying to escape, but I only pressed them together. She closed her folder and rested her hands atop it, leaning over the table with squinted eyes.

"It was self defense."

"There wasn't a sign of a fight," she said, leaning back in her seat. "You're in perfect condition. Clearly it wasn't a fair fight to begin with."

My tongue slid across my teeth. "I _was_ defending myself, he was.." My eyes drifted down to my hands resting on my lap before I cleared my throat. "He didn't get very many hits in."

She squinted her eyes at me again, but nothing else ever left my lips. The silence was returning and it was deafening to my ears.

"Well, even if you claim self defense in court, they won't give you less time unless you provide details," she said, sighing. It had to of been past midnight. "You're likely to get ten to twenty years for assault or attempted murder."

She stood up and walked towards the door. Her hand brushed against the knob, and she glanced over her shoulder at me.

"Silence might just buy you more time," she said. "I have an inkling of what really happened, and I pray nothing stops you from telling the truth in court. It's your life that's at stake here."

I was alone in the room again. The flickering light stopped and shut off all together, and I looked at the mirror to the side of me. Someone had to be watching me from the other side, and had my hands not been handcuffed, I would have flipped them off.

My trial was a week later, like she had assumed. They questioned my motives for attacking him, reporting that he was still in the hospital. When they asked me about that night, I decided against spending two decades in prison and told the truth.

My lawyer was a woman. I was only being charged with assault, so she managed to snake me out of ten years and bring my sentence down to five.

They kept me in a holding cell until the next morning. A bus brought me to Litchfield Federal Prison. It wasn't far from my apartment I had shared with Casey, and it wasn't far from Casey.

A guard led me to a white van and ushered me inside. In my arms were my new belongings given to me, including a pillow and shoes. I was outfitted in orange from head to toe, and a heavy jacket was around my shoulders.

A guard sat in the passengers seat. He buckled his seatbelt and glanced over his shoulder at us inmates. One sat on either side of me.

"Take us back to prison, Morello," he said, staring out the window now. She nodded and we began driving onto an empty road. I clutched my pillow inside the netted bag holding everything and kept my eyes low.

When we arrived to the prison, the guard got out of the van and opened the doors. The blonde sitting beside me stepped out first, and I followed after her.

"This is the prison?" one of the inmates asked. "Oh my god. This is actually happening."

She had dark hair and pale skin. Her wide eyes studied each and every aspect of the building.

The lady who drove us - Morello - stepped in front of all us new inmates and patted her chest. "Alright, well before panic sets in all of you, I'm Lorna, but you can just call me Morello," she said, leaning in. "We go by last names here."

She began leading us to the prison, and I kept my eyes straight ahead of me, ignoring the stares from other inmates leaning against the fence. Lorna patted the blonde on the shoulder and pulled her in for a quick hug.

"I've missed you, Chapman," she said, patting her back and pulling away from the hug with a smile.

She turned around and heaved the door open, motioning for us to step through.

"In you go," she said. We all walked inside and she started a quick tour of the prison. "You got your visiting room over here, which is where your mommy or daddy will come and visit you. You gotta put their names on the list. This area down here is out of bounds, until you get assigned down here.."

She walked us past a group of inmates standing on stairs, and one with short, dark hair approached us.

"Oh, they must've locked you up for your own good," she said to the inmate who almost freaked earlier. "Hey, don't be afraid, little girl. Daddy can protect you from the criminal element."

I almost started laughing from the back of the group. What a load of bullshit.

"Alright Boo, keep it in your pants, okay?" Lorna said, wrapping her arm around the girl's shoulder. The group started to move again and I followed along.

Lorna dropped most of the inmates off at their temporary bunks, and the last one she stopped at she ushered me inside.

"Piper Chapman, looks like it's your lucky day, hun," she said. "Jamie Spencer, Brook Soso, you two are in here, too."

Lorna pointed to the top bunk and I set my stuff on top it. Piper hugged two other women in the room and Lorna soon left the room.

Green eyeshadow and Piper started reminiscing again. Brook, after indulging in a story about how her parents named her, sat defeated in her top bunk.

Five years was a long time to waste in prison, and no doubt others had more time than me. Five birthdays I would lose. Five Christmases, five Halloweens, five everything.

It was surreal, to say the least. The world outside would continue to change without me. Hell, the world could start to end and I would remain clueless inside these walls.

I didn't bother thinking too much about it, as I had a meeting with my counselor, Mr. Healy, before lunch would start.

My hand knocked on his door, and he lifted his eyes from his desk. A hesitant smile tugged at his lips and he motioned for me to sit. I closed the door behind me and sat down, resting my arms on my lap.

"Jamie Spencer," he said, raising his eyebrows and pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. He picked up some papers and skimmed through them momentarily. "You've been charged with assault and sentenced to five years."

"Sounds about right," I said. He can tell me something I already fucking knew - quick, someone get this man a medal.

He squinted his eyes at the paper. "Five years?"

Of course they didn't include it was out of self defense. The system will fuck you up no matter who you are.

He set the papers down on his desk and took his glasses off. "Let me tell you something, Spencer. Prison is no joke, and neither are the inmates. No one is gonna bother you unless you let them. Your sentence will go faster and smoother if you don't make friends, and avoid the lesbians at all cost."

I laughed until I realized he was being serious. "Um, what?"

"The lesbians," he said, leaning in as if he were telling me a secret. "This prison is crawling with them. You'll ride this roller coaster in peace if you don't talk to them."

I bit my lip to keep more laughter from spilling out my lips. I never considered myself either or, because I never saw the need to label it. More recently I had boyfriends - Casey being a past one. But a few years ago I was so fucking madly in love with another woman.

Nicky Nichols.

She turned my life around and yet ruined it. For two years we were together and deeply in love. We traveled the world using her mom's credit cards, we went on adventures at one in the morning, we once even turned our apartment into a pillow fort for two days.

She was the love of my life, until she found something else to love. Heroin.

When I first met her, we were at a concert. I was in college, my friends dragged me to a concert for someone I had never even heard of. I had left my friends to use the bathroom, and chatted Nicky up waiting in the long lines. Cut to a year later, we run into each other again.

She was addicted to drugs and it drew me in. I had to help her, and we just hit it off afterwards. Drugs pulled me in to her crazy life, and it's ultimately what made me pull away.

"Spencer?" Mr. Healy said, waving his hand around. "Am I being clear enough?"

"Yes, sir," I mumbled. "I won't make friends with lesbians."

"Good," he said, smiling. "My doors are always open if ever need listening ears."

I nodded, and he went on to discuss what I was being charged for. When he finally said he was done, I bolted from the seat and out the door. He was definitely the kind of man I would avoid on the streets.

Lunch was starting, and my head was spinning. Maybe everything was finally soaking in. As I walked to the cafeteria, I tried not to think about Nicky, or what she was even doing this very second.

Maybe she met someone else that helped her erase drugs from her life and then fell in love with them. Maybe she was doing fine as an independent woman and ran a successful business. Maybe she fucked her life up as much as I fucked mine up.

I walked to the queue behind all the women dressed in orange and beige. My clothes felt scratchy on my body and I almost felt naked in this room full of women. We were all in here for the same reason, and yet the differences ranked high.

My hands grasped my tray and I turned around, facing the crowd of women sitting at tables. I found an empty seat somewhere in the middle and set my tray down, staring down at my food.

The food looked revolting, but edible. This was my new life, after all. For five years. Eventually I would have to accept that. There would be a new president when I got out. The iPhone ten would probably be out.

What would be the same?

At the end of the table sat two women, one with a gnarly scar up her neck. I didn't pay them much attention until a faint redhead sat across from them.

For some reason my eyes couldn't look away. The two women must have said something nasty when the redhead stood back up, disappointment washing over her face. She grabbed her tray and turned around to examine the rest of the tables until her eye caught mine.

I blinked but didn't look away. She looked pitiful until her expression changed into irritation, pissed even. Pissed that she had caught me staring. My expression didn't change, my eyes only looking away when she turned her back and walked to a different table.

Voices were booming around me, but not a single one I could make out. My vision suddenly grew blurry, like I could barely make out what was even on my tray.

I missed my life years ago, being crazy and a young adult with Nicky. I missed having my freedom and having choices, but I made the choice to fuck things up.

But this was my life. Like every single women here, I was a criminal. I was of the criminal element.

Lunch was over and I left the cafeteria before the crowd of women followed. My mind was still a whirl of thoughts as I walked to the E dorm bathrooms. It was fairly empty when I walked around the corner, and I stopped in front of the mirror.

My reflection stared back at me. Already dark circles were forming. The past week had been complete torture. I wouldn't be surprised if someone told me I was already in hell, doomed to relive this horrifying experience over and over.

I looked down as I quickly washed my hands, and when I heard footsteps approaching behind me, I glanced back up at the mirror with a horrified expression.

 _Fuck_. With widened eyes and water dripping off my hands, I turned around to face a piercing gaze.

"Jamie Spencer," Nicky said, raising an eyebrow as her eyes dipped over me before snapping back up to mine. "We're making a habit out of this, huh?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's the next chapter. Things obviously aren't going to go over very well between Nicky and Jamie, and she's going to make some enemies in the near future. Thank you to everyone who has read!**

 **Enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

 _The sun glistened in the sky and I squinted my eyes, about to grab my sunglasses when the light turned green. My dad sat in the passengers seat, holding up a map and squinting his eyes._

 _"I didn't think you wanted to go this far out," I said, briefly glancing sideways at him._

 _"Keep your eyes on the road, Jamie." He sighed, closing his eyes and running his hands down his face. "You need to fill her up with gas. Make sure you keep an eye on that. But not too long, because you don't want to swerve off the road. And don't forget about your mirrors."_

 _"Okay, dad, that's not helping."_

 _"Sorry," he mumbled, a grin creeping over his lips. "I didn't know I was supposed to be_ helping _."_

 _"What? You mean you aren't the adult in this vehicle?" I said, fake gasping as I glanced at him. He gestured to the road and I rolled my eyes, returning my eyes to the road. "Relax, dad. I know what I'm doing. I've been driving for - "_

 _"A couple months now, I'm well aware. That's the problem with kids these days. Think they are hot shots when they're behind the wheel.."_

 _My eyes squinted at the distracting sun. My dad continued to chatter away, but the sun was so fucking distracting. Keeping one hand on the wheel, I dug around the console beside my seat for my sunglasses._

 _My dad was yelling something. My hand was slipping from the wheel and he reached over my to grab it, but a truck was headed right towards us. My vision went blurry until it faded to utter darkness, but all I remembered was the sun._

 _Rain dripped off my fingertips, falling onto the muddy grass. My lips were pressed together, but my eyes locked with the ground. The air was moist, dark clouds setting the sky. It was an ironic setting for a funeral._

 _Empty words filled the silence around me. The eulogy was nothing to brag about - it barely gave my dad any justice. People were wearing black attires and holding red roses, something my dad despised. He hated anything stereotypical._

 _Ironically enough, he met my mom on a subway. He was running late to work and couldn't hail a taxi in time, so he took the subway. In the midst of his ride, he saw my mom dressed in a business suit drinking coffee. He remembered that moment as thinking my mom was the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes on._

 _He never took a taxi again after that._

 _My mom now stood beside me, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. Streaks of gray were showing on her head, and I knew she would run out to the store tonight to fix it. Her normal bright eyes were bleak and filled with tears._

 _For a moment, I imagined myself reaching out to her, to comfort her. She would pull me in for a hug and rest her chin on my shoulder. We would both remember different memories of my dad, but neither of us would find any solace in them._

 _Instead, I drifted my gaze away from her. We would never be that perfect family that took family vacations to a lake house in the summer and had our pictures taken for Christmas cards. My dad was the only thing keeping this family together, and with him gone it was only a matter of time before it all fell to shit._

 _And I could only blame myself for that. An accident I caused leaving me only with a concussion and a broken arm showed him no mercy. How was I to live with the guilt?_

 _It must have been hours before everyone started to leave the funeral. The service was long over and chatters filled the air. My mom left my side, talking to my aunt about how tragic his death was. People all around me were talking about what a shame it was._

 _"Nicholas will be greatly missed."_

 _"This has to be on Mallory, raising a daughter alone. I can't imagine her unbearable pain right now."_

 _"He was a great man. I hear the truck driver died minutes after the crash. It's a shame."_

 _Life is a bitch, especially when someone else's ends. My dad will always be missed, but half these people don't even know him. Only the idea of him._

 _Walking up to his headstone, I bent down onto my knees and placed a single tulip down beside the numerous roses. Tears dripped onto the soil and I wiped them away with my forearm._

 _"I'll never forget the way you would laugh, or the way your eyes would crinkle with each smile," I quietly said, brushing my fingers along the stem of the tulip. "I was your tough little girl, but I don't know how strong I can be right now. I don't know how I'll ever survive without you." I closed my eyes. "I'm so sorry for all this. I.. never meant for any of it to happen."_

 _Memories of us flooded my mind. We were drinking milkshakes in the late hours of night after my first breakup. We would play video games until we finished them together. Have inside jokes only we understood._

 _I opened my eyes back up, the memories of us fading from my mind. I sadly smiling as I touched his headstone. "Goodbye, daddy. I love you to the moon and back."_

* * *

My eyes stared blankly at the ceiling. Sleep had not come easy for another long night, and Brook's constant chatters weren't helping. My eyes were heavy, and with each blink I imagined a soft mattress was underneath me.

I glanced up at the sound of the bed creaking, scooting up and tucking my feet under my thighs as Piper climbed up the ladder. She sat down on the edge of my bed beside me, looking over her shoulder at Brook.

"God, she won't shut the fuck up," she murmured, brushing her hand through her hair. "How are you holding up?"

"Why does everyone ask me that?" I said, the tip of my finger smoothing out a crease in my blanket. "I'm in prison, isn't that enough of an answer?"

"Okay," Piper said, shifting to lean against the wall. "What's going through your mind right now?"

"That my past fuck ups are going to be a royal pain in the ass at some point."

"I heard about you and Nicky," she said, my eyes snapping up to meet hers. "I know the feeling. Somehow managing to be sent to the same prison as the last person you ever wanted to see. It's overwhelming, isn't it?"

I blinked, drifting my eyes to my lap. "She's not the last person I want to see."

"But she's not at the top of the list, is she?"

"She's close to it," I said after a moment. "How do you know the feeling?"

"Don't get her started," Rosa said, shifting from her position on her bed. Green eye shadow chuckled, and Brook surprisingly remained quiet on her bunk.

"Someone from my past named me and then fucking left me to rot in hell," Piper said, ignoring everyone when they groaned. "It's the worst, thinking you've already hit rock bottom and then your past suddenly confronts you."

"I didn't even know she got arrested. Do you know why?" I asked, brushing my teeth over my bottom lip. Piper cast me a glance with a dumbstruck expression and I nodded. "Drugs. Not surprising."

"Is that why you two split?"

"It's complicated," I said, glancing down at my hands resting in my lap. Our relationship was lacking trust, and if someone trusts drugs more than their girlfriend, doesn't that tell you something?

Officer O'Neil appeared in the doorway and told us to collect our things. Piper jumped off my bunk and I grabbed my stuff, jumping off after her. _Finally_ , we were getting assigned our bunks.

We followed him through a series of hallways. Brook pestered Piper with more questions - I think she's afraid of me. Maybe the rumor of me being a murder was finally spreading. Maybe it was my demeanor.

He led us into the room containing the shared bunks. "Chapman, in here. Soso, Spencer, follow me."

Piper seemed relieved she wasn't rooming with Soso. My stomach clenched at the thought of sharing a bunk with her, seeing as she was the most annoying person ever, but Officer O'Neil assigned me to the bunk next to Piper's.

"Spencer, you're in here," he said, motioning with his arm. I stepped around the wall into the bunk only to stop dead in my tracks.

"No, this isn't my bunk," I said, glancing back at him. "This can't be my fucking bunk."

"Sorry, someone made a special request," he said, snidely smiling at me. "Looks like you're stuck here. Soso, come with me."

He walked away and I flipped him off behind his back. Brook widened her eyes at me but kept walking, and I turned around to face my new roommate.

"And they said luck was bullshit," Nicky said, smirking as she sat on her bed. I ignored her comment and placed my things down on my new bed. "The silent treatment, huh? Can't last longer than Norma."

My hands gripped the hem of my shirt. I turned around to face her and easily mimicked her smirk. "Go fuck yourself."

She grinned, shrugging her shoulders as she stood up and stretched her arms over her head. I tried not to let my wandering eyes linger. Change has been kind to her, seeing as I haven't seen her in three or so years. But she looked tired, stressed even. Nicky was never the stressed one.

That's what kept us balanced. She pushed me to go on wild adventures and I fucking loved every minute of it. I loved the adrenaline and the rush of it all. She lived in the moment, but clearly I wasn't the only one hanging onto the past.

Or maybe she has let go. My stomach churned at the thought of that. I definitely wasn't ready to let go.

"Why are you in here?" Nicky asked, breaking the silence. I lifted my eyes up to her as she sat down on the edge of her bed. "What the fuck did you do, kid?"

"How is it any of your business what I did?" I said, biting the inside of my cheek. She raised her eyebrows at me and I glanced away. "I just got in some trouble with the police."

"That's bullshit, and we both know it," she said, smiling as she leaned forward. "Want to know how I know? Because your eye twitches every damn time you tell a lie. Just tell me what the fuck you did."

"God. Fuck off, Nichols."

"Next to me, you were the fucking poster child of perfection. How the fuck did you manage to screw that up?"

"It's none of your business what I did," I said. "It hasn't been for three years. Live in the present, Nicky. Isn't that what you're best at? Or is it hanging onto the past?"

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" she asked as I stood up to leave the bunk. She grabbed my wrist, pulling me back to her and looking straight at me. My eyes narrowed, but I forgot how she looked up close. She almost looked vulnerable.

"Let me go," I whispered. She loosened her grip on my wrist and I yanked free from her grasp. "You don't want to hold any grudges against me? Fine, but that's not stopping me from holding one against you. You fucking chose drugs over _me_ , over a good life. That wasn't my doing."

I held her gaze for an extra moment. Her equally dark eyes stared right through mine, and I felt small under her gaze. When I blinked, I looked away and turned on my heels to leave the bunk, but her words made me stop in my tracks.

"Maybe you're the one who drove me back to drugs."

 _I_ drove her to drugs?

"Bullshit," I said, turning back around. She was no longer looking at me, and her expression was a mixture of anger and guilt. "I was the one who helped you quit cold turkey! Call me your own personal rehab who you got to fuck, until you started fucking around with heroin again. Don't blame me for your actions."

"I didn't just wake up one day and decide to fall back into heroin!" Nicky said as I walked out of the bunk. She was yelling something else, but I raised my hand up and flipped her off, completely ignoring her words.

I was fucking fuming and pissed. The past couldn't be erased, but here I was raging up a storm over it. Maybe because I never got it out of my system - I just buried it and seeing Nicky is bringing it back.

My eyes drifted down to my fingernails. Sometimes I could still feel the way my fingernails felt, scraping down the building's wall. Sometimes I could still feel the dried blood on my fingertips and knuckles.

While walking to the bathrooms, I bumped into a shoulder. Normally I'd keep walking, but the force made me stumble forward and grasp the wall for balance.

"Aren't you watchin' where you're goin'? Damn, girl!"

Cindy Hayes, otherwise known as _Black_ Cindy, stood in front of me with her hands on her hips. She had a shocked expression plastered over her face, and her wide eyes were flickering me up and down.

"I guess I wasn't," I said, snickering to myself. Her eyes stopped to meet mine, and her lips curled into a smile before she chuckled.

"You're that new girl, aren't ya?" she said, suddenly gasping. "Holy shit balls, you're Nichols' old flame?"

"That's none of your fucking business."

"Oh, look who's got a potty mouth!" she said, grinning. "Girl, this is prison. Everyone's business is everyone's business."

I clenched my jaw. The next person who said my business was suddenly theirs might just get punched. "Whatever."

I tried to walk by her, but she grabbed my arm. The simply, unwanted contact sent goosebumps up my arm and shivers down my spine. For a minute, I wasn't in prison. I was back at the bar, being pulled outside against my will.

"Fucking touch me again," I warned, ripping my arm away from her grasp. She looked momentarily surprised at my outburst, but my clenched fists must have sent the message. She backed up and started to leave, but then she leaned in close as if she were telling me a secret.

"Don't go fucking with Vee's girls," she whispered. "Because if you've got beef with me, you've got beef with Vee. And you do not want that crazy bitch on your bad side. Got it, white girl?"

* * *

My fork poked at my dinner. At the end of the table across from mine sat Nicky and Piper, and hearing their laughter made me queasy. Fuck Nicky.

She broke my heart. She made me feel worthless - what the fuck did heroin have that I didn't? How did I drive her to drugs?

Last I remembered, I was the reason she wasn't in prison already, or fucking dead. I helped her ease drugs out of her life because I understood where she was coming from. I understood how helpless it makes you feel and how you're dying for an escape, yet you can't seem to break free.

"Well, well, if it isn't Litchfield's newest toy."

I glanced up from my tray. Big Boo was sitting down in front of me, and Lorna sat down beside her.

"Cut it out, Boo," Lorna said, rolling her eyes as she leaned over her tray. "Boo's kind of sexually frustrated, you'll have to pardon her behavior."

My eyes drifted back to Nicky, and she was still talking to Piper and laughing. Boo must have followed my gaze because she started laughing as well.

"Nichols, eh? Does that leave you as already marked territory?"

"What?" I said, tearing my eyes from Nicky to look at Boo. "What are you talking about?"

"Boo, seriously. You do not need to hit on everything with a pulse," Lorna said, looking back at me. "Prison isn't as glamorous as it is on TV, you know?"

"You know.. you two might have a lot to talk about," Boo said, smirking. "Considering Nichols' bagged both of you."

My eyebrows furrowed, my eyes flickering to Lorna. "You two fucking hooked up?"

"Oh, drama," Boo said, her mouth stretching into a grin. "Looks like the cats out of the bag now."

She laughed as she stood up and walked to a different table.

"It was a couple months ago when we stopped," Lorna quickly said. "You see, I can't keep cheating on Christopher. It really isn't fair on him."

"Wait.. so you broke things off? Not her?"

Lorna shook her head. "Oh, there wasn't really anything to break off. It's just.. it felt like she was always trying to climb up my womb, you know? And.."

As she continued on, I glanced to my side at Nicky, only to see she's already staring. She seemed apprehensive about Lorna sitting with me, chatting endlessly.

She had to of known what we were talking about.

My eyes flickered away from Nicky and back to Lorna. She had stopped talking to take a bite of her food, her eyes locked on me.

"It's a different story with you, though?" she asked.

"Nicky is a different story," I said after a moment. "She always was. But regardless of how hard I tried, I was never enough for her."

"Well, I don't know the whole backstory and I'm not going to stick my nose where it doesn't belong, but Nichols kind of lives in her own bubble. She doesn't realize how some things can affect others."

My lips pressed together as Lorna smiled at me, taking another bite of her food.

"Lots of things can pull people together, Spencer," she said, raising her eyebrows. "Attraction, lust, revenge.. history."

My eyes met with Nicky's again. History would never be enough to pull us together. She gave me the best two years of my life, but it wasn't enough. Because it always came down to drugs. That's what pulled us together, and ultimately what pulled me away.

Nicky left the cafeteria minutes before I did. When I returned to my bunk she wasn't there, and I didn't question it.

First my ex sort of causes me to be arrested, then I get reunited with a _different_ ex in prison that I now have to deal with seven days a week. What the hell has my life come to?

It's like a damn soap opera.

I had a decent job, a boyfriend I thought I could depend on - my life was almost sorted out. I thought I finally knew where I belonged in life. But then I lost my job, and my now ex fucked everything up.

Maybe I'm meant to be alone in life. Nicky and I never worked out, and now we have to live together under the same roof. We would have to be civil and put our problems aside.

Whatever would happen between us, I was putting up a wall. I wasn't going to let us get close again. I wouldn't turn back into that vulnerable person she could manipulate. We would be civil, but to that extent.

The past should be left in the past after all. There was no need to relive it.


	3. Chapter 3

**A big thanks again to everyone who is reading the story, and an even bigger thanks to those who reviewed. Updates should happen every few days now that we're starting to get into the swing of this story.**

 **So, thinks aren't going very well for Jamie and Nicky. They have a lot of issues they need to talk through, and we'll eventually get there. I would love to hear your predictions for this story! Reviews are always more than welcomed!**

 **Enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

My fingers pinched the corners of the envelope addressed from Casey, and ultimately to me. Part of me wanted to rip it in half and throw it out, but another part of me wanted to see what he had to say.

If he'd take responsibility for his actions, or if he would accuse me of ruining his life. If he would even express any sympathy for what he did, or if he would completely ignore the obvious elephant in the room.

My fingers started to pull the letter out of the envelope, but I paused before shoving it back in. What the hell was I doing? I didn't need any more anger to hold onto in here.

"What's that?

I pressed the envelope against my thigh as Nicky walked into our bunk. She set her toilet paper down on her locker, watching me with furrowed eyebrows. I quickly stuffed the envelope underneath my pillow and looked back at Nicky.

"Nothing."

"Doesn't seem like nothing you're getting defensive about," she said. I opened my mouth to oblige, but she raised her hand. "You're about to. You may not like this, but I know you, princess. Through and through."

"Then you should know I despise that fucking pet name," I said, scowling when she smiled. Of course she knows I hate it. She knows all the small, weird things about me.

She knows what makes me tick, what makes me laugh and makes me fucking _moan_. She knows what wears my patience thin and what drives me up the wall. But three years can change a lot in someone.

"How did I drive you to drugs?" I asked, breaking the silence filling our bunk. Nicky glanced up from her notebook she was scribbling in, a small chuckle escaping through her lips.

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"What else is there to talk about?" I said. "I'm not fucking around, Nicky. I want an explanation."

She pressed her lips together when Officer Bell stopped inside our bunk, glancing at both of us before making a gesture with her hand.

"Inmate, you're needed in visitation," she said, sighing as she waved me over. "Let's go."

"No one's on my list," I said, standing up and looking over my shoulder at my pillow. Fuck no, he can't be visiting me. "No one is on my list."

"Come on, don't cause me any hassle," she said, wrinkling her nose at me. "It's a Monday. Let's go."

I followed her out of my bunk. Nicky's eyes were glued on me as we left, but my concern was no longer on her. Fear bubbled inside me thinking about the possibility of Casey visiting me. He can't be in the hospital anymore, but he can't be visiting me.

I'm not ready to see him, and I don't think I'll ever be.

She led me to a door labeled visitation, waving to it with a snide smile before walking away. My hand reached for the knob, only to stop midway.

It can't be Casey visiting me, but that doesn't leave very many people. My friends were on a cruise I was _supposed_ to go on, and my mom didn't give two shits about me.

My hand brushed against the knob and I quickly opened it. Immediately my eyes spotted my visitor, and when he saw me walking towards him he stood up and extended his arms out for a hug.

"Fuck you," I said with narrowed eyes. He nodded and I sat down across from him. "What are you doing here?"

"Can't I pay my best friends girlfriend a visit?"

"Rob," I said, sighing as I rubbed my forehead. "You know he's not my damn boyfriend anymore. And I don't appreciate this surprise attack on me."

"Sorry I couldn't call you first," he said, rolling his eyes. He leaned forward in his seat, resting his hands on the table. "How are you holding up?"

"Let's just say a tiny, tiny threat of yarn is holding me up and it could give out at any given moment," I said. "Why the fuck are you here?"

"I wanted to see how you were doing."

"And I just told you," I said, smiling as I gestured to the exit. "Drive home safely.. Actually, I don't care if you do. Bye."

"Jamie," he said in exasperation. "Cut the bullshit, alright? Don't direct your anger on me. I'm not the bad guy here."

"No, but it's your best fucking friend, isn't it? Because you know damn well he's the reason I'm in this shithole."

"I'm not here to point fingers at anyone," he said, glancing around the room. "This place is full with depressed fucking people. I'm just making sure you aren't one of them."

"How did you get past security?" I said. "You aren't on my list."

"You would be surprised who they let slip through," he said, chuckling. "Casey wanted me to pass on a message."

My fingers drummed against the table. My voice was small when I next spoke, and I wasn't entirely sure what answer I was looking for. "How is he?"

"He's been stabilized and released from the hospital," he said, pausing. "He wants you to add him to your visitation list."

"Like that will fucking happen. Get real, Rob."

He leaned in, squinting his eyes at me. "Casey needs to see you, alright? He just.. he needs closure, you know? All this has been hitting him hard."

"Like it hasn't been hitting me hard?" I said, raising my eyebrows. "Are you fucking serious right now? You've got to be fucking with me."

"It's not just your life this is impacting," he said. "Do you know how fucking long it took me to drive here?"

"Sorry to waste thirty minutes of your life," I said. "I didn't realize you were going to prison, too. For what, five years? Bummer. You can go fuck yourself, Rob. Next time spare me this visit."

He nodded, brushing his hand through his shaggy hair as he stood up. He held his hand out for me to shake when I stood up, and I rolled my eyes.

"Did you not get the message?" I said. "Fuck you, Rob."

He coldly smiled, sending shivers down my spine. "Enjoy the next five years of your life, Jamie Spencer."

He was leaving out the door, walking past the window with his smile still intact. Anger bubbled inside me, watching him leave and knowing I can't follow. I kicked my chair, knocking it onto the ground.

"Inmate!" Officer Ford said, standing up and leaning over the desk. "Do I need to restrain you?"

"No, sir," I muttered, pulling the chair back up onto its legs. As I walked towards the door, I spotted Nicky standing by the window, watching me with a shell shocked expression. I held her gaze for a moment longer than I should have before pushing the door open and walking through it.

* * *

"Leave me alone, Nicky," I said, walking around the wall into my bunk and immediately sitting down on my bed. I held my head in my hands, rubbing my temples when I felt Nicky sit down beside me.

"Not 'till you tell me who the fuck that was that got your panties in such a twist," she said, smirking as she nudged me with her elbow. "Ex? Secret lover?"

"Fuck off," I muttered, inhaling a deep breath and pulling my hair back from my face. "Can you leave yet?"

"Not without answers I'm not."

I sighed. "He's just an old friend."

"Do all your old friends piss you off that much?"

"You are, aren't you?"

She paused, brushing her tongue over her bottom lip. "Is that how you think of me? Just an old friend?"

"I'm trying to forget about those two years, okay?" I said, flickering my eyes to her. Her gaze was already on me, and staring at her for just a few heated seconds made me look away. "But fuck, every time I look at you I'm reminded of it."

"Are you saying those years with me were a waste?"

"You broke my fucking heart!" I said, standing up and turning my back on her. I chuckled, briefly closing my eyes as I ran my hand through my hair. "You broke my heart."

"You broke up with me," Nicky defended.

"Because you fucking replaced me with drugs!" I said, throwing my arms up in exasperation as I turned around. "You broke my heart the day you turned to drugs instead of me, and I had to spend months wondering what the fuck I did to deserve that kind of shitty treatment!"

My chest grew heavy and my heart raced with each beating second. I heaved in another deep breath, but it did nothing to calm me down.

"You aren't miss perfect, you know," she said, standing up and walking right in front of me. My height was a couple mere inches taller than hers, but at the moment I felt much smaller. "You're pointing fingers at everyone but yourself, just like you always do!"

"Fuck you, Nicky," I spat. She narrowed her eyes at me and reached up to grab my shoulders just as I blinked. Suddenly it felt like her hands were around my neck. My breath caught at my throat and I laced my fingers around her wrists, but I wasn't in prison anymore.

I was in an alley behind a local bar my friends and I went to. It was the night before our departure for the Caribbean's, and the night after my break up with Casey.

We were all drunk out of our minds, ready to spend the next week on a cruise. My mind was a fog but with each drink I downed, more and more about Casey would slip through my mind.

But then he was suddenly in the bar. My friends were on the dance floor, oblivious that he was even here.

His hand was suddenly pulling me out of the bar. Suddenly my back was pressed against the wall of the bar, and his fingers slipped around my throat..

My eyes blinked, my vision slowly becoming less blurry. I blinked again and I was in my bunk again. Nicky's wide eyes were burning a hole through me, her hands slipping from her grasp on my shoulders.

I pushed past her, my shoulder bumping into hers as I fled from the bunk. My throat was burning and my hands balled into fists.

With nowhere to run, I found myself rushing into the bathrooms. The stalls were empty and no one was using the sinks. Pressing my hands flat on the counter, I hung my head low and closed my eyes.

My chest heaved with each deep breath I took. It felt like the walls were closing in on me, ready to suffocate me. There would be no one to miss me, no one to grieve my death.

Because at the end of the day I was just another inmate. Just another person in orange, or rather, _beige_.

My eyes filled with tears. The tiny thread holding me up was finally giving out. Reality was setting in and it felt like a sucker punch to the stomach. It was bitter fucking sweet.

Tears rolled down my cheeks and a sharp intake escaped my lips. My knees felt like giving out and at that point I felt like crumpling to the floor, assuming fetal position, and lying there until starvation killed me.

Someone was walking into the bathroom, their footsteps opening my eyes to look through the mirror. I expected Nicky to be approaching me, part of me happy that she cared enough to check up on me but the other part cursing her for making this so much fucking harder.

But it wasn't. The first thing my eye caught was red hair and a hand clutching toilet paper.

"Oh dear," Red murmured, setting the toilet paper on the sinks and cautiously placing a hand on my back.

She didn't leave, even when I burst into tears. She would hand me a folded piece of toilet paper that I'd dab my eyes with and tell me oddly comforting things.

"Why are you helping me?"

Silence filled the air as she paused. "Because you're an important part of someone's life who means a lot to me."

Nicky Nichols.

Nicky filled the gap I never knew was missing from my life. She completed me, and without her I didn't feel complete. Maybe closure was what we needed.

Mend what was broken and move on with our lives. Learn to be civil and live with each other without wanting to claw each others eyes out.

When I returned to my bunk post breakdown, I sat down on my bed and lifted up the pillow, revealing Casey's letter. My eyes blankly stared at it for a moment before I grabbed it and held it close to my face.

Maybe what we needed was closure. Maybe reading his letter would suffice and I could let go of the anger I've been so desperately holding onto.

My eyes narrowed. Standing up and crossing to the trash bin, I ripped the letter in half and let it fall in.

Fuck closure. I didn't need his excuses. And I sure as hell didn't need Nicky's.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello again! Things are definitely starting to heat up between Jamie and Nicky in this chapter.**

 **And reviews are always greatly appreciated - I love to hear what you guys think of the chapter! What do you think of Jamie? What do you think will happen when Jamie and Nicky finally talk through their problems?**

 **Enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

 _"Hurry back!" My friends yelled at me. I waved my hand at them and navigated through the concerts crowd to reach the bathrooms. There was a long line outside, and I approached the end of the line._

 _Ten minutes must have passed, and the line barely moved. I was in no rush to get back to the concert, but my legs were starting to hurt from standing._

 _"Jesus fuck," I said, peering around the line of women. "What the hell is she doing in there? Giving birth?"_

 _"Nah, I think she had Taco Bell," the woman in front of me said. She glanced over her shoulder at me, a smirk dancing across her lips. She had lion like hair and wore blue flannel over a gray shirt._

 _Jesus fuck is right._

 _She must have said something else. Her eyes were still on me, and she was brushing a strand of hair behind her ears. I blinked, resisting the urge to pinch myself awake from this apparent dream._

 _"What?"_

 _She shook her head, a chuckle escaping through her lips. "Wouldn't have typed you as a heavy metal kind of chick."_

 _"I'm more of an alternative girl," I said, leaning my shoulder against the wall. "My friends had an extra ticket."_

 _"Guess I shouldn't be judging a book on their cover," she said, tugging on the hem of her flannel._

 _"Not even if the book is wearing flannel?" I teased. She just grinned._

 _"Depends."_

 _"On what?"_

 _"You," she said, smirking as she playfully nudged me. I laughed alongside her as we inched up the line when it moved forward. "So, you enjoying the concert so far?"_

 _"It seems okay, for the most part," I said, lightly shrugging. "What about you?"_

 _"Kicks motherfuckin' ass," she replied, grinning. "Of course.. certain things could make it better."_

 _"Oh yeah? Like what?"_

 _"Getting your number," she said, waggling her eyebrows._

 _I smiled, reaching into my jeans pocket and pulling my phone out._ _"Here, give me your number," I said._

 _She recited her number as I typed it into the phone._

 _"Better be getting a ring soon, then," she said, winking. "I'll be waiting for it."_

 _"You won't be waiting long," I smiled, about to save her to my contacts when I realized I didn't have a name. "Hey, what's - "_

 _As I glanced up I saw she was walking into a stall, her back to me._

 _"Wait," I called out, my phone suddenly being knocked out of my hand when someone bumped into me. It shattered onto the floor and I stared blankly at it before looking back up. "Wait - "_

 _"Go, goddammit!" the person behind me said, pushing me forward to a now empty stall. "We have to fucking piss, too!"_

 _"Just.." I sighed as I rushed into the free stall, closing the door behind me and realizing there was no lock. The toilet was clogged and I pressed my back against the wall, sighing again._

 _I waited a few moments before leaving the stall, looking all around for her. Throughout the entire concert I kept me eyes peeled for he wild hair and blue flannel, but always came up short._

 _Just my fucking luck. Don't have her number, or her name._

 _Damn._

* * *

"What do you think about love, Spencer?"

"What do I think about love?" I said, chuckling as I brushed my hand through my hair. Piper stood in front of me with a notepad and a pencil, staring at me with a tentative look. "Love is.."

I closed my eyes, and Nicky was now staring at me with a smile. We were on a beach whose name I lost track of, and she was splashing me with water, her face glowing with genuine fucking happiness.

"Love is accepting someone, flaws and all," I finally said, opening my eyes. "Love is seeing your happy ending through the storm." I blinked, and suddenly I thought of Casey. Staring at me with clenched teeth and a shaking jaw. "But love is pain. Knowing the person you loved unconditionally broke you in half with a smile on their face, but you're smiling too. Because you still fucking love them."

"Wow," Piper slowly said, clicking the pen against her chest. "Sounds like you are talking from experience."

"It's complicated."

"Not everything has to be complicated," she said. "Things going okay with Nicky?"

"We're fine," I said. She raised her eyebrows at me. "We're being civil, I guess."

"I've been down that road before, and trust me, being friends won't last very long," she said. "Are you seeing someone right now?"

"Not as of recently," I said. Piper nodded, walking to a seat in the common room and sitting down. I sat down beside her, crossing my legs and fixating my gaze on Yoga Jones and her yoga class. "Is that what happened between you and Alex?"

"How do you know her name?"

"Word gets around in prison," I said, shrugging. "You started to tell me a vague backstory of her before anyways, but never really got to finish."

"Alex is a different story," she said. "She was different. We lashed out, tried being civil friends, but the undeniable connection was still pulling us together."

"Nicky and I are just friends," I said, though I wasn't even sure if that statement was the truth.

"Here's the thing, though," she said. "If you can still be friends with your ex, you are either still in love or never truly was."

She stood up, walking out of the rec room. My eyes followed her until she disappeared out of my sight, a sigh leaving my lips. Nicky and I were definitely in love, but we _definitely_ aren't anymore. Why go back to the pain?

Because there was happiness. Laughter, smiles, tears. The entire package. You can't have rainbows without having rain, or stars without darkness. You can't have happiness without pain.

I stood up, running my hand through my hair as I walked out of the rec room. Maybe I just needed some fresh air - because I wasn't going to spend this fucking holiday thinking about Nicky.

My eyes flickered shut once I pushed the door opened and walked outside into the chilly air. I inhaled a deep breath, opening my eyes and walking towards the greenhouse Red would be in.

"Hey, Spencer," Big Boo said, grinning at me with raised eyebrows before I could walk by her. "What are you up to?

"Nothing, I guess," I said. Her grin faded into a smile, and I furrowed my eyebrows. "Why?"

"Oh, you know. It's Valentines Day," she said, shrugging. "Gets kind of lonely behind bars, doesn't it?"

"Maybe if we were actually behind bars," I slowly said.

She chuckled. "Anything I can do to fix that loneliness?"

She waggled her eyebrows, a smirk dancing across her lips. I looked at her for a moment before laughing.

"That's funny," I said. She folded her arms over her chest and my laughter died. "Oh, you're serious?"

"Let me put the V in your valentine," she said, winking at me.

"Hold up," I said, raising my hands. "It doesn't work that way. Sorry."

"What, are you off limits?" she said, scoffing. "Only Nichols can bag you for six fucking points? Figures."

"Six points?" I muttered. She only raised her eyebrows up higher. "What the fuck is this?"

"A bang off," she said, glancing over her shoulder. "And seeing as I won't be getting six points, I'm gonna go bag a two pointer."

She walked into the distance towards another inmate, who was slouching against the fence. My eyes squinted at her as she walked away. A bang off? What the fuck is a bang off?

Nicky always had an insane sex drive. It was tiring to keep up with sometimes, but a fuck off? Seemed.. _desperate_ , even for her.

I shoved my hands into my jacket pocket, my hair blowing in the wind as I walked towards the greenhouse. When I heaved the door open, Red glanced up from scattering pots across a table.

"Jamie Spencer," she said, wiping her hands on her jacket. "Don't think you can keep calling special favors because I helped you. I did what any mother would do."

I snorted, stepping inside and closing the door behind me. "We must have a different definition of mothers, then."

"There's a reason you're here," she said, smacking her hands together. She walked around to the front of the table, pressing her hands on the edge as she squinted her eyes at me. "What is it you need? Candy, makeup, gum?"

"What?" I said, furrowing my eyebrows. "No, I'm.. I wanted to ask you about Nicky."

"Oh," she said, nodding her head. "Ask away."

"More like advice," I said, biting my lip. "She's changed - I can already tell that much. But she's still.." I closed my eyes, pausing. "She's still someone I once cared about."

"Nicky can be fragile sometimes. You just have to work with her."

"I fucking know that," I snapped. "I was her girlfriend for two years, remember?"

"Oh, don't try using that tone with me. I don't take too kindly to it."

"Sorry," I said, my voice softening. "I just don't know what to do."

"What you need is closure," she said, waving her hand. "I'm going to assume you never got the goodbye you desired, and your questions are all still unanswered? You can't move on until you let her go."

"I have," I said, a moment passing by. "I am. I'm trying to."

"I thought switching Norma out and having her room with Gina would solve things," she glumly said. "But it's only distanced us even more. You should be grateful - "

"Wait, hold up," I said, raising my hand and narrowing my eyes. "You made the special request? You're the reason I'm smack in the middle of constant awkwardness?"

"It will benefit both of you," she said, shaking her head as she turned around. She grabbed a few of the pots and began moving them around. "You two need to work through this shit. It was difficult to accomplish on such short notice, but Mr. Healy owed me some favors."

A raspy chuckle left my lips. "Wow. Nicky's never mentioned me before? The topic never came up?"

"Nicky is a very closed book when it comes to certain things, so no, I've not heard about you until your first day here. Nicky was too chipper that morning, I knew something was up." Red turned back around and frowned at me. "I just never knew it would be this complicated."

* * *

My body swayed to the music, a bottle of beer in my hand and my other raised high in the air. My lips were mouthing the words to the song, and my friends were bumping their hips into mine. It was how all my Friday and Saturday nights were spent.

And then I opened my eyes, suddenly reminded that I was in prison, not a nightclub in downtown New York City.

I bit into my cookie, my eyes darting around the room. Mr. Healy and Officer Bennett were standing off to the side, chatting and using hand gestures. Bennett, though, was just staring at Daya.

"Enjoying the party?" Lorna asked as she stopped beside me, clutching a teddy bear. "Your first holiday in prison can get real lonely. Of course, behind trapped here on the most romantic day of the year can make anyone lonely.."

"Things going okay?" I said, chuckling.

"For the most part," she said, nodding. "It gives me a little insight on my wedding with Christopher - it has to be as amazing, you know? Maybe.."

She continued about her wedding. It was hard to keep up but I kept listening as I ate my cookie.

Nicky walked into the room, her eyes immediately finding mine. I glanced down at my almost entirely eaten cookie while Lorna continued to chatter away, Piper's words ringing in my head.

 _If you can still be friends with your ex, you are either still in love or never truly was._

Her eyes were still on me. Slowly raising her eyebrow, she turned on her heels and left the room.

What the fuck?

"Hey, Morello, I'll be right back," I said, flashing her a smile as I finished my cookie. I quickly followed Nicky out of the common room, and though I couldn't see her I had an idea of where she was going.

As I walked back to the numerous bunks crammed together in one room, I stopped walking and watching her step into our shared bunk.

"Nicky," I said, biting my lip when she didn't answer. I blew out a sigh and followed her into the bunk. "Nicky, what's - "

The word died off my lips when she pressed me against the wall of our bunk, a smirk dancing across her lips as her eyes stared into mine.

"Don't tell me you don't miss it," she said in a low voice that sent goosebumps up my arms. "Don't you miss it all?"

"The same way you miss heroin?" I whispered, chuckling. "You're a fucking riot, Nichols. Now let me go."

She chuckled alongside me. "Don't tell me you don't miss the _intensity_. The heat, the passion. Can't you feel it?"

"Can _you_?"

"It never fucking left, kid," she said. Her big, brown eyes were getting to be too much for me - god, it was so fucking easy to get lost in them. They were so mesmerizing, almost hypnotic..

"Wait," I said, blinking and narrowing my eyes. "I think I'm getting the picture. This is for your stupid fucking bet, isn't it? Your fucking bang off with Boo."

She said nothing, pressing her lips together. I pushed her shoulders and slipped myself away from her grasp.

"Boo told me about your fucking game, so don't try denying it."

"And tell me, what makes this your business?" she asked. "Your off limits, but so is everyone else? How does that even sound fair?"

"Is that all I was to you? A fuck buddy?" I said, pausing as I turned my back on her. "Because you know what? That makes all these other women no different than me. We're all just someone you fucked, right?"

"Is that really what you think? God, you're fucked up," she said, shaking her head. "Never did it occur to me that all these fucking women are different than you. Right? It's almost like I'm dating every single one of them."

"Cut the bullshit," I said, turning back around and narrowing my eyes at her. "I'm not in the mood to be your fuck buddy. Not again. So just cut all this bullshit, alright?"

Again she said nothing. I shook my head at her as I walked out the bunk, wondering how I ever thought we could be friends in prison.

We definitely aren't in love. And I was beginning to question whether we ever were.

"Wait," Nicky said, peering out the bunk. "Just.. fucking get back here, okay?"

I paused before following her back inside the bunk, a small smile dancing across my lips. She sat down on her bed and crossed her legs, drumming her fingers. I silently watched her as I sat down on my bed.

"Do you remember our first valentines day together?" she asked, flickering her eyes to me.

Of course I did. It was only a couple months into our relationship, and it's when I seriously thought I had a future with her.

"You made this huge thing about the tradition of Valentines Day being a load of bullshit," I said, laughing quietly. "So we went and egged your moms house."

"We didn't egg it," Nicky said, smirking. "We toilet papered it."

My laugh grew louder. "Like that's any better." My laughter died down, replaced with a smile instead. "I had a lot of fun that day. You took me out to this fancy restaurant, and then - "

"You did some sort of strip tease for me when we went home," she finished with a grin. "God, those were the fucking days, huh?"

She stood up and walked towards me, sitting down beside me.

"Of course, things don't have to be any different," she softly said, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. "Things don't have to change, Jamie. You know, just for old times sake."

"Fuck off, Nichols."

She laughed, reaching into her pocket and pulling earbuds out. "Here."

"What's this?" I murmured, furrowing my eyebrows as I stuck one of the earbuds in my ear. She only smiled. "Nicky.."

She stood up, walking to my locker and plugged the earbuds into her radio. Music began playing and I grinned at her choice.

"Heavy metal, huh? I don't know if I'd type you as a heavy metal kind of chick, Nichols."

She smirked, pressing a button and changing the station.

"Alternative, right?" she said, sitting back down beside me and sticking the other earbud in her ear.

"Yes," I said, rolling my eyes with a smile nonetheless. It was a sweet gesture. "And.. thanks."

I rested my head on her shoulder. She wrapped her arm around my shoulder and for a moment it felt like we were younger. Nicky soon sighed, playfully ruffling my brown hair.

"Yeah, I've always been more into alternative chicks. But, you're welcome, kid."


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you all for the reviews! Things are finally escalating in this chapter - just quick warning ;)**

 **Enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

My fingers brushed against the spines of each book. Distractions were hard to come about in prison, and with snow covering the track in the yard, reading was my next bet.

Reading helped me pretend I wasn't living a miserable life. I was surviving the apocalypse, exploring the world, doing anything in the world you could imagine.

Books weren't a way of escaping reality. It was a way for me to alter my reality.

"I take it you like readin'?" Poussey said, turning the vacuum off and lightly chuckling. I pulled my hand away from the shelf filled with books, wiping my fingers on my pants. "It's alright. Sometimes books are all you got in here."

"Sometimes they are all you need," I offered, shrugging my shoulders. "Prison is filled with bitches."

"Yeah, bitches that'll turn their backs on you the second something better is being offered," she said, chuckling again. "Fuck 'em, what I always said."

"Bitches will do that," I said. She was talking about Taystee, someone I never spoke to. "Sometimes, though, it isn't intentional. You just have to follow along as the third wheel and plaster the fakest smile on your lips and pretend it doesn't bother shit out of you. That way you still kind of have them, you know?"

She furrowed her eyebrows. "Man, you talkin' about me and Taystee? How many times do I have to repeat myself to everyone?"

"Because, even in my short time here, I notice things," I said. "Pushing Vee away will only push Taystee away."

"You sound just like Nichols," she muttered. "You aren't the only person giving me this speech. Hey, maybe it applies to your fucked up situation too."

My eyes drifted down to my fingers pinching the hem of my shirt. "Maybe."

Poussey turned the vacuum back on and I walked towards another bookshelf. My eyes skimmed each book until I heard footsteps approaching behind me.

I turned around, scowling ever so slightly at Vee. Speak of the devil. She grinned, raising her hands up and shaking her head.

"I'm not here to bring trouble," she said, her grin turning into a smirk. "Just wanted to personally welcome one of Litchfield's newest inmate."

"Next time just send a post card," I said, rolling my eyes and turning around. I pulled out a book out from the shelf, pretending to be interested in it. Vee pushed the book back into the shelf and I sighed. "What do you want?"

"Jamie Spencer," she said, raising her eyebrow as her eyes dipped over me. "I've seen you get quite comfy with Red."

"So? Is there some rule that I can't socialize with any other inmates?"

Her smile still graced her lips. "Red's got quite the business running under wraps."

"You're talking to the wrong criminal about that," I said. "You know, a great way to stay low in prison is not to fuck with anyone. Don't be fucking with Red."

She laughed. "Oh honey, I fuck with whoever fucks with my business."

My eyebrows furrowed as she suddenly leaned in. I backed away, my back pressing against the bookshelf. The books scratched against the fabric of my shirt and I squirmed under her stare.

"I've heard about your juicy past," she said in a low voice that sent shivers down my spine.

My chest throbbed. "So?"

"It's nothing to be shamed of. Addictions happen to the best of people.. Or the worst."

"Listen, that was a stupid, fucked up mistake I made when I was a teenager," I said, frowning. "Don't go tearing open past wounds."

"Oh, but wouldn't you like some sweet relief? Prison isn't so glamorous when you're on the inside. Sometimes you just need someone to help you get through the day, don't you think?"

"Is there a point to this?" I said, my eyes narrowing when she grabbed my hand. Before I could pull away she slipped a small baggie into my palm. She pressed my hand shut and stepped back, my body freezing at the initial contact.

"Early shipment. Call it a welcoming gift," she whispered, tapping my hand. "There's more where that came from."

She walked out of the library and out of my eyesight, but my eyes were fixed on the carpet. I pulled the collar of my shirt, slipping the baggie into my bra.

When I turned around, Poussey was staring wide eyed at me. The vacuum was turned off and she scratched at the side of her head. I quickly looked away before leaving the library.

Fuck no. There was no way this was happening.

 _Call it an early welcoming gift_. What angle was she playing? From giving me..

 _Heroin._

* * *

My eyes stared down into the toilet. Behind me the stall door was closed and locked. I reached into my shirt and pulled out the heroin.

"Goodbye, fucker," I mumbled, opening the bag and dumping its contents into the toilet. My hand pressed the button, flushing the toilet. The heroin swirled in a circle before disappearing down the drain.

Fucking Vee. Doesn't she know half these girls used to be drug addicts - including me? Or does she really not give two shits one way or another?

I turned around, opening the stall door and walking towards the sinks. I turned the water on and rinsed my hands underneath it. If I pretended hard enough, it almost felt like _hot_ water.

"I'm telling you, they should invest in some 2 ply toilet paper! I'd be wipin' my ass like the queen!"

Glancing over my shoulder, I frowned at Cindy and Janae. Cindy stopped when she saw my glare and kindly returned it, while Janae continued walking to the sinks.

"Well well, look what crawled out of the toilets," she said, snickering. "Or should I say Nichols' ass."

Janae laughed. I turned back around, staring down at the water before turning it off.

"This isn't your bathroom," I said, splashing my wet hands into the sink.

"Yeah well, ours is fucking nasty as hell since we traded with them Hispanics," Cindy said, walking towards Janae and bumping her shoulder into me. I grasped the edges of the sink, the empty baggie still in my hands. "You should watch where you're going, white girl."

"And if I don't?" I said, raising my eyebrows as I turned to face them. "What is your problem with me, huh?"

"Watch it," Janae said, grabbing Cindy's shoulders. "I heard she _killed_ a man to land her salty ass in here."

"You know what?" I said, chuckling as I stepped towards them, slamming the empty baggie down on the sink beside them. "Fuck both of you. And fuck Vee too. Pass on the message, will ya?"

As I turned around and started to leave, I paused and peered over my shoulder with a smirk.

"Tell Vee to keep the heroin next time. It won't do any good flushed down the toilet," I said before turning around and leaving the bathroom.

My head was in a fog. What the fuck did I have, a target on my back? Because I certainly feel targeted.

On my way to the bunks, I passed by the window showing visitation. My lips twitched into a smile as I stopped to glance in. One inmate in particular was hugging an older women, presumably their mother. Both looked overwhelmed in joy to see each other.

Immediately I felt a pang of guilt and sorrow. My mom and I haven't spoken in years. After my dad died, nothing was holding the family together anymore. She eventually remarried, had another kid, and now lives somewhere down south.

Pretty much did everything she could to erase me from her memory.

I made a quick detour to the phones. There wasn't a line so I walked towards one of the free ones, picking up the phone and dialing a number.

" _An inmate from Litchfield.._ "

I sighed, leaning my shoulder against the wall. The line beeped and I awaited an answer, but one never came. Fucking friends.

I slowly pulled the phone away from my ear before slamming it back into the receiver.

"Spencer!" Officer Bell said, cocking her head to the side. "Cool it, will you?"

I made a face and she reached for her belt buckle to write me a shot, but I shook my head and plastered a smile over my lips.

"That's more like it," she said. Once my back was to her I rolled my eyes and made another face.

I didn't go back to my bunk. Instead I headed for the chapel, thankful it was empty. Perched on the ledge, I dangled my legs over it and kicked at the stage.

Nothing is ever consistent in my life. Everyone comes and goes as they please. Maybe I should stop holding the fucking door for them. My mom fled the minute I turned eighteen and went to college. Nicky never stayed in my life, either.

Nothing is ever the same. Even now, under the same roof as Nicky, things aren't the same. I could clearly see that much. Something has changed in Nicky, and I couldn't tell if it was drugs. A pang of guilt hit me as I realized, had I stayed with her and helped her again through her drug problem, neither of us would be here.

Unless, of course, the drugs won in the end. Unless I wasn't enough to help, and maybe I wasn't. The moment I walked out of that apartment and left her, she made a choice. Either stay and choose drugs, or follow me out and come clean. No more drugs, nothing.

I closed my eyes and let myself fall back until I was lying on the floor. My feet waved in the air and I blew out a sigh, resting my arm over my forehead.

My eyes opened when the door behind the seats opened. Footsteps were quickly approaching me and I lifted my head to glance over the stage.

"Leave me alone, Nichols," I said, laying my head back down.

"Nichols, eh?" she said, chuckling as she stopped beside my dangling legs. "The fuck you doing, kid?"

"What's it look like?" I said, snickering. "I'm plotting my revenge against the corrupt patriarchy."

"No sense in plotting by yourself," she said, hopping up onto the stage beside me. She gently shook my shoulders until I opened my eyes again, scowling at her smiling face. "You're a ray of sunshine today."

"I'm an eternal flame of shame and regret."

"Cut the bullshit," she said, tucking her legs under her thighs. "What's up?"

"Don't you ever get sick of all this fucking change?" I asked, sitting up resting the palm of my hand on the stage. "I mean, haven't you changed at all in the last three years?"

"Not really," she said, smiling when I shot her a look. "My fucked up ways have remained pretty consistent."

"Don't tell me prison hasn't changed you," I said. "I've barely been here a month and I feel like a different person."

"Yeah, the first few months you feel that way," she said. "It feels like you're alone, and you are. No one could possibly understand your pain. Except, wait - all of us do. We're all in here for the same fucking reason."

"No, we aren't," I said, shaking my head. "We all made different mistakes. And don't tell me you don't feel miserable in here."

"Just tryin' to make the best of this."

"Yeah? How's that working out for you?" I said, raising my eyebrows. "Fucking different people each week help? Or maybe participating in a contest against Boo for how _many_ people you can fuck would suffice?

"Don't be pointing your fingers at me," she defended. "I backed out of that."

"What?"

"I dropped it. Ended the bet. How clear do I need to be?" she said, pausing and shifting uncomfortably. "It doesn't feel right, fucking different women when you're now in the picture."

"Nicky, there's nothing between us anymore," I said quietly.

"Nothing but empty space," she murmured back. She scooted closer to me, filling the gap. My wide eyes stared into hers, and for a moment I was younger and in love with Nicky Nichols.

But my memories didn't wander in the clouds for long, and I was suddenly caught in a soon to be heated moment with a rebellious Nicky Nichols who developed strong commitment issues to anything that wasn't drugs.

"No," I quickly said, grabbing her shoulders and pushing her away from me. "I can't do this, Nicky. Not again."

"Come on," she pressed, tilting her chin up. "No strings attached, right?"

"That's the fucking problem, isn't it? There weren't ever any strings attached."

I stood up and turned my back on her, closing my eyes and squeezing my hands into fists. So many questions were left unanswered, so many stories left untold. Red was right. We needed closure.

"You were my girlfriend for two years," Nicky said. I didn't glance back but heard her feet shuffle as she stood. "Of course there were fucking strings attached."

"Did you ever even love me?"

A brief silence filled the air. I turned around to face her with watery eyes, but I quickly blinked them away.

"Because you were my whole damn sky. My entire world," I said when her silence was enough of an answer. "I wasted two years of my life on you, and you can't even own up to your screw ups?"

"You don't deserve an I love you so you can clear your fucking conscience," she spat. "Where the fuck were you when I needed you, huh? You don't get to take the high ground when you weren't fucking there for me! Isn't trust a key foundation in relationships? Or are we just the special fucking exception?"

"When was I not there for you..?" I trailed off, shaking my head and stepping forward to close the gap between us. "I was always there for you. We fucking lived together!"

"Like hell you were. You distanced yourself from me, and I fell back into heroin because you couldn't even be a decent fucking human being and be there for me like girlfriends are supposed to be!" she said, waving her hand around. "And then what do you do? Leave me behind when you know I needed help!"

My eyes narrowed at her and I raised my hands to push her shoulders. "Fuck you, Nicky! You think being your girlfriend was easy?"

"You signed up for all that shit, princess," she said, pushing me back with more force. I fell backwards onto my butt and placed my hands flat down on the carpet.

"Fuck you," I said, narrowing my eyes as I sat on the floor. "And I guess fuck me for ever thinking in those three years you could change."

"Fucking you sounds like a great fucking idea right now."

My mouth was left agape as Nicky walked towards me and bent down to straddle my lap. Immediately she pressed her lips onto mine and my breath caught in my throat.

Her tongue pushed past my lips, tangling with my own. I moaned against her lips and she smirked in to the kiss, pushing me back against the floor and crawling on top of me.

Our kissing grew faster and urgent. My hands roamed her body before tangling their way in her hair, and she moved her mouth down to my neck. I needed her closer, close as can be.

Everything was happening so fast. She ripped my beige shirt over my head, tossing it aside and pulling my bra straps down. Her mouth kissed down the valley between my breasts, and I let out another breathless moan.

"Nicky," I breathed out, arching my back as her mouth crashed back into mine. "Just fucking fuck me."

She lifted her head to smirk at me before inching her way down to the hem of my pants.

In that moment it didn't matter that we haven't been this close in three years. It didn't matter how much this would affect our distanced relationship, or how this would fuck everything up.

What mattered was I suddenly wasn't alone anymore.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hope everyone is enjoying the story so far. I would love to read everyone's reviews and how they like the story!**

 **Enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

 _Running a hand through my hair, my hands gripped the glass of alcohol as I took another long chug. Laughter and bad music filled the bar. I glanced over my shoulder at a group of people sitting at a table. Glasses were being raised, some the contents spilling onto the floor._

 _The bartender handed me another drink and I quickly downed half of it. A new song began playing, and through the mirror I saw someone walk into the bar._

 _I didn't think much of it, until I noticed the blue flannel they were outfitting. I glanced over my shoulder as she scanned the bar before her eyes landed on mine. For a brief moment, everything but the song playing was being tuned out._

 _She was sitting down beside me. My fingers were pressing against my empty glass of alcohol, and she was ordering a drink._

 _"Small world," she said, arching an eyebrow. "Maybe now you'll tell me your name."_

 _My teeth brushed over my bottom lip. "Jamie."_

 _"Nicky," she said. The bartender set her drink down in front of her, and she took a sip. "For an alternative girl, that lipstick is doing you wonders."_

 _My lips curled into a smile. "Thanks."_

 _"Let me ask you something," she said, raising her eyebrows as she leaned her elbow on the bar. "What the fuck are you doing in a low life bar like this?"_

 _"Drinking," I answered, gesturing to my glass. "What did you think was in this?"_

 _She shook her head, a chuckle leaving her lips. "I can tell one junkie from another. You can do so much fucking better than this shithole of a place."_

 _"So what does that make you?" I said, pausing. "A junkie?"_

 _"On my good days," she said, smirking. I blew the matter off as just a funny remark - my first mistake._

 _She excused herself to the restroom, and my attention was turned to someone sitting down beside me. He waved the bartender over and ordered a drink._

 _"Fucking shitty days, huh?" he said, catching my attention as I was taking a sip of my drink._

 _"What?"_

 _"Sorry," he said, shaking his head. "Guess today didn't make my top ten."_

 _"Uh, nothing alcohol won't help," I said, glancing over my shoulders at the bathroom entrances. No sign of Nicky, but my eyes did catch someone attempting to sing karaoke. I cracked a smile before turning back, noticing my drink was a little fizzier._

 _My hands gripped the glass and I took another drink, noticing the man beside me watching me intently. I pulled the glass away from my lips and frowned._

 _"What are - "_

 _"You know what helps my shitty days, though?" he interrupted, smiling. "Not going home to an empty apartment."_

 _"Oh, uh.. bummer," I mumbled, suddenly coughing over my shoulder. "Dogs can help with that."_

 _"Yeah, but. C'mon." He laughed, leaning over to nudge me. "I don't think you understand what I'm insinuating."_

 _I opened my mouth to reply but Nicky was suddenly sitting down beside me. I looked at her with a smile, turning my back on mystery man beside me._

 _"What's up?" she slowly said, chuckling through a smile as she peered around me. He was standing up and leaving when I followed her gaze past me, scowling when he sat beside a blonde at another table._

 _"Nothing," I said, choking out another cough. My vision was growing blurry and my chest felt heavy, and I would have brushed it off due to drunkenness had this not been only my second glass._

 _"What's wrong?"_

 _"I think I need some air," I quickly said, sliding off my stool and rushing towards the exit. The man's eyes caught mine as I left, his lips twitching into a smirk. I looked away as I pushed the door open, Nicky right on my heels._

 _The cool air hit me like a slap in the face, and surprisingly it did nothing to soothe my nerves. I leaned my back against the wall and coughed again._

 _"Are you okay?" Nicky asked, concern filling her voice as I turned around to throw up. My stomach was in knots as she pulled my hair away from my face. "Shit, did your drink get drugged?"_

 _"That's.." I paused to cough, closing my eyes. The pain in my chest didn't go away and my throat was burning. "Bullshit."_

 _"Fuck," she said. "It was probably that fucking asshole. Let me get you home, alright?"_

 _"I'm.. fine," I said, my eyes remaining closed. I was slouching back up against the wall, sliding down until my butt hit the coolness of the ground._

 _"Come on," she said, wrapping an arm around me and pulling me up. "I'll take you back to my apartment, okay? You can chill there until this passes.. Though I think you threw most of it up."_

 _She smirked, helping me walk towards the front of the bar. My vision went blurry until fading into nothing, and when I managed to open them next we were in a taxi._

 _Next thing I know we're walking into a building.. It's colder than it is outside, and Nicky adjusts her arms around me._

 _Then we're in an elevator. Nicky is humming beside me, I think, with her arm still around me. The elevator slowly moved up to her floor._

 _The elevator doors opened. Nicky helped me walk out and my hand grasped towards the wall for support._

 _"What are you doing?" Nicky said, laughing quietly as I pulled away from her and leaned against the wall._

 _"I'm fine," I mumbled. "I think I can manage to walk on my own."_

 _"You sure?" she said, raising her eyebrows. "You were getting kind of handsy on the way up. Not even in the apartment yet and you're trying to reach second base?"_

 _I laughed, but the feeling in my throat made me want to throw up again. I immediately covered my mouth with my hand and swallowed it down._

 _"Come on," Nicky said, wrapping her arm around me again._

 _It wasn't that long of a walk down the hall, as we stopped at one of the closer doors. She shoved the key in and opened the door, squeezing us both through the threshold._

 _"So.. home sweet home," she murmured, walking me over to the couch. I immediately collapsed onto it, pressing my hands against my forehead. "You need anything?"_

 _I shook my head, letting my eyes flutter shut. My body relaxed atop the soft cushions of her couch. Footsteps were ringing in my ear around me along with soft mumbles._

 _The next morning I was ready to bolt and leave the apartment, barely remembering the night before and crossing it off as a one night stand.. But I had yet to know Nicky Nichols was to become my world for the next couple of years until it all comes crashing down._

* * *

"Your work detail has been decided," Mr. Healy said, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Watson was recently switched to maintenance, and so there's a shortage of inmates in electrical. You'll start Monday."

"Electrical. Got it."

He took his glasses off, setting them on his desk and leaning forward to squint at me. "You seem rather quiet today, Spencer. You haven't been socializing with any lesbians, have you?"

I paused, remembering my time with Nicky in the chapel a day or so ago. I've been avoiding her since - what was I to tell her? I didn't mean for that to happen and I kind of regret it because it's making me feel a lot of different things that I shouldn't be feeling anymore?

"No, sir," I said.

"Because I've heard rumors about you and Nichols," he said. "Rumors of your past with her. None of that has been rekindled?"

"Nope."

"This is a dangerous territory you're in, Spencer. You're gonna wish you had someone to watch your back - seems innocent enough, right?" he said, shaking his head. "Wrong. Things can escalate in the spam of a second."

"Uh.." I didn't really know what to say. "Sure. I'll keep an eye out for any of that sort of thing."

He paused, leaving his eyes to study mine before leaning back in his chair. "Alright. You can go. And remember to report to electrical on Monday."

I nodded, standing up and walking out the open door. Lunch was soon starting, so I headed to the cafeteria.

Buzz about Piper's furlough was filling the room. My eyes darted around once I walked in, immediately finding Nicky's. She was in line, watching me with nervous eyes. I quickly looked away and walked towards the line.

My eyes now followed Piper as I listened to their comments. She stiffly walked to a table and dropped her tray down, glumly sitting down in front of it. Once I had my tray I walked towards the same table, catching Vee's lingering stare.

She smiled, nodding as she sipped her drink. I looked away and sat down across from Piper. Nicky was right beside her, and I avoided her lingering stare.

"'Jealousy is as fierce as the grave,'" Sister said to Piper. "Song of Solomon."

"Toni Morrison?" Piper asked.

"The Bible, sweetie," she answered, softly smiling. I glanced around Piper as Taystee rammed into her back, frowning as I listened to their comments.

Cindy's comment, though, was what fueled Piper's anger.

"Bitch probably got down on her knees. Took a mouthful of that pink Healy dick."

Chuckles spread around the table as Piper slammed her hands down on her table and stood up.

"Yes, I am white!" she said, glancing around the room. "We have established that. And I got furlough, too. I guess white privilege wins again. And as a speaker for the entire white race, I would like to say I am sorry that you guys got the raw deal, but I love my fucking grandma. And, yeah.. Yeah, she may be a whitey, too.. But she's a fucking person, and she's sick, and she needs me. So shut the fuck up!"

I looked over at the table behind me, scowling when Vee chuckled. My eyes narrowed, just seeing her laugh started to piss me off.

Piper turned around just as Suzanne stood up with a handful of pie. She launched it right at Piper's back, the pie landed in her hair and dripping down her back.

"Shit," I said, widening my eyes. Nicky was smiling at me with the smallest of smiles, and I looked at her for a moment. She was probably already thinking of several different remarks to make that would usually make me laugh. Now, though, I quickly looked away.

Suzanne licked her fingers with wide eyes as laughter spread throughout the room. Some of the guards were yelling for us to lower our voices while cheers just erupted around the cafeteria.

Piper had already left the cafeteria and after dumping my own tray, I quickly followed her.

Heading towards the bathrooms, I imagined myself getting furlough somewhere down the line. Highly unlikely, seeing as the system has only ever fucked me over.

But if some miracle granted me furlough, I didn't know what I would do with my 48 hours of freedom. Honestly? Go say giant fuck you's to everyone who has ever pissed me off.

Maybe I'd try to find my mom. She has to be out there somewhere. Does she even know I'm in prison? Or would it not even bother her that I was arrested?

Or maybe I'd pay Casey a visit. See how he was doing, if he was a changed person. More than likely, though, it would just end in me getting more time on my already long sentence.

Piper was standing in front of the mirrors, staring at her reflection and combing her hands through her hair. Some of the pie was already out, splattered on the floor and sink.

"Chapman," I said, smiling as I stopped beside her. "The most hated inmate in Litchfield."

"Yeah, nothing new," she mumbled, squinting her eyes as she lifted up strands of her hair.

"Are you excited? I mean, you're getting _out_."

"I was excited, but now I'm not so sure I deserve it," she said, sighing. "But I want to be there for my grandma. I really do."

"Any chance you could do me a favor on the outside?" I asked, surprised myself when the words left my lips. It wasn't like me to ask for help, but suddenly I couldn't stop myself.

She turned the sink on. "Depends. How illegal is it?"

"Mallory Spencer," I flatly said. "Look that name up, try to find where the hell she lives, or what she fucking does."

Piper let the sink run as she let go of her hair and looked at me. "Is that your mom?"

"I no longer consider her my mother, but yes, she did give birth to me."

"Mallory Spencer."

"Yeah. About 5'6, blonde hair.. probably with a bad dye job, too." I choked out a laugh. "The only way I'd recognize her ass was if some sugar daddy was glued to her hip."

"Red's already got me checking out her restaurant," she said, turning the water off.

"Well, you got furlough. Everyone wants a piece of that."

She shrugged, now turning to face me with a smile. "Hey, anything going on between you and Nichols? You guys were shooting each other the weirdest looks during lunch."

"Yeah, we're madly in love and fucking every chance we get," I sarcastically said, shooting her a grin. Of course I couldn't tell her I actually slept with her and enjoyed every minute of it.

She laughed. "Okay, then. I'll keep an eye out for Mallory Spencer when I get out, okay?"

"Thanks, Chapman," I said, chuckling. "Have fun with your 48 hours of freedom."

* * *

Quickly dialing a number, I picked up the phone and held it against my ear, twirling the cord around in my finger.

" _An inmate from Litchfield.._ "

I sighed, letting the cord go and leaning my shoulder against the wall.

" _Hello? Jamie?_ "

"Emily," I said, surprise in my voice. "I didn't think you'd pick up. I've been trying to reach you for ages."

" _Sorry, things have been hectic down here,_ " she said, sighing. " _Not even back a week from our trip and it's already complete hell at work._ "

I chuckled. "Things aren't going so great here, either."

" _What do you mean? Explain_."

"Well, for starters - " I paused. Did I really want to tell her about Nicky? "For starters, it's lonely as hell here. And.. there's this one, er, inmate that I can already tell is only gonna start shit. "

" _Really, who is she? Do you think she'll try anything?_ "

"I don't think so," I said. "Though.. she did, uh, _try_ to offer me - "

The line went dead. I pulled the phone away from my ear, staring at it in confusion before turning around to see Vee standing in front of me.

"It was a great story you were starting to tell," she said, grinning as she pulled her finger away from the button. "Didn't quite catch the end of it, though. Here, why don't I attempt to finish it."

I narrowed my eyes at her, slowly pressing the phone back against the receiver. She only continued to grin at me, clearing her throat as she straightened her posture.

"Emily - is that her name? There's this inmate, Vee Parker, and she tried to offer me free heroin," she imitated. "It's almost like prison isn't just a walk in a park, huh? Like prison isn't filled with dangerous people and drug addicts."

"Do you like going around and eavesdropping on peoples conversation?" I said. "I get that it is prison, right, but shouldn't you have anything better to do? Like selling cigarettes in tampons or more fucking heroin?"

She laughed, the sound sending goosebumps up my arms. "Your business becomes my business when my girls catch you dumping the heroin I kindly offered you away. I tried being friendly, I really did."

"Yeah, so what?"

"So, you do not want to get on my bad side," she said, leaning her head down until she was staring directly at me. "Because I won't attack you. I will attack everyone near and dear to you until you're suffocating inside these walls and come crawling back to me, saying, 'Vee, Vee! You were right, I do need that heroin to scrape by!'"

"Fuck off," I said, standing my ground. Her meaningless threats meant nothing.

"I've heard you have quite the past with Nicky Nichols," she said in a low voice. My eyes suddenly widened and I quickly looked away. "It would be a damn shame for something to happen to her. Maybe my heroin would find a way back to her, and maybe not. Just remember this the next time you want to disrespect me or my girls. Because I will hold nothing back against the ones you love most."

My wide eyes returned to hers. She straightened herself, manically chuckling and smiling before walking away.

She didn't mean it. Empty threats, empty threats.

But what if she did? What if she did go for Nicky, who I'm closest to? I couldn't let that happen. How would I live with myself if I let that happen?

My first rule was to not let myself get close to anyone. It made them - and me - a vulnerable target.. But, at the same time, would I be able to protect her better if we weren't always so distanced?

When I walked into my bunk, Nicky was standing by her locker tidying up. She glanced over her shoulder upon hearing me, immediately walking towards me.

"Quit with the fucking games and just talk to me," she said, blocking my bed and folding her arms over her chest. "You've been avoiding me all day."

Distance. Distance meant she wasn't someone I was close to, and Vee couldn't get to her.

"There's nothing to talk about," I calmly said. "What's done is done, okay? It was just a mistake, a caught up in the moment type of thing. Don't bother hanging on to it." She frowned at me, and I lowered my eyes to the floor. "I've already let it go."


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello again!**

 **This chapter is Red's dinner. Something is obviously going to go down between Jamie and Nicky, and it probably isn't going to be very pretty. Feel free to leave a review, it'd be greatly appreciated!**

 **Enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

Today was going to be a shitty day.

I could already tell. Woke up from a _fun_ nightmare drenched in sweat, long ass lines in the shower leaving me with no hot water, and didn't make it in time for breakfast, leaving me with an empty stomach.

So. Today isn't off to a good start.

Not to mention Nicky had completely ignored me these few days. It broke me to think I broke her, but I couldn't let myself get close to anyone. I couldn't let us get close again. She was better off without me.

But I wasn't better off without her.

I walked down the stairs from my bunk, towards the kitchen to get a head start for lunch. A cheap candy bar I bought from commissary was the only thing filling my stomach, and I couldn't ignore its growls any longer.

I stopped halfway down the stairs, seeing Red talking to Nicky beside the window. Red was holding a tray of things, and Nicky was slouching against the wall with an aggravated expression. She didn't like what Red was saying.

But then her eyes caught mine staring. She opened her mouth but never called out to me, never said anything. She looked back at Red just as I quickly looked away and continued walking down the stairs, hoping to pass them without Red saying anything.

Just as I thought, today was going to be shitty.

"Jamie," Red called out, waving me over. I begrudgingly walked towards her, stopping somewhat beside Nicky. She was staring out the window. "I need you to come to the greenhouse tonight at dinnertime."

"Really? She's not fucking family," Nicky snapped, tearing her eyes away from the window.

"Fuck off, Nichols," I snarled. "You aren't the only one Red can be friends with."

"Fighting words, Spencer. Friends doesn't even compare to family."

"Alright, whatever this is, knock it off," Red said, pointing her finger at Nicky. "Make sure everyone is there, and you'll get your oatmeal pies." She moved her finger to point it at me next. "And you, you better - "

The words died on her lips when the double doors behind her were suddenly open. I stared in confusion at a man I've never seen before outfitted in a guard's uniform. From the way Red and Nicky were both staring at him in shock, I could tell he wasn't good news.

Someone bumped into him, and he didn't waste time giving her a shot. In fact, he was giving shots out left and right.

As he walked by us, his eyes lingered on Red, a smirk tugging at his lips. These two definitely had a history together. He moved his eyes to me and I narrowed my eyes at him, but he looked away.

"Mendez is back," he said, turning the corner with a snide smirk. "Bitches."

Red shook her head, mumbling something about this place going to hell as she walked off. I watched her go, ready to leave myself when Nicky's words stopped me.

"Listen.. don't go near him, okay?" she said as I turned around to look at her. "He's trouble waiting to happen, and.. just don't piss him off and be careful. I don't want to see you get

"Be careful? What, do you think I can't handle myself?" I asked. She momentarily appeared _hurt_ by my words, so I quickly said, "Look, I'll watch out for him, okay."

She nodded, slipping past me and walking away. I watched her go, biting my lip to ease my nerves. Dinner tonight was going to be awkward as hell between us. That, or we would be at our throats the entire time.

I was dreading to find out which.

* * *

The cold chill of winters breeze blew my hair around my face. I tucked loose strands of it behind my ear as I reached the greenhouse, pulling my hands out of my jacket pocket to open the door.

"This is prison, they aren't caught up in the moment," Red said, glancing at me as I stepped into the greenhouse. I smiled, closing the door behind me and shivering. "Is anyone else with you?"

"Uh, no. Going solo these days," I said, quietly laughing. She motioned towards a chair and I sat down in it just as the doors opened again, Nicky's voice ringing inside my head.

"Man, this took way more convincing than two boxes are worth," Nicky said, walking into the greenhouse with everyone following behind her. She stopped at the chair across from me, locking eyes with me before pulling it out and sitting down.

"Please, sit," Red said, gesturing to the table. "I thought we could enjoy a family meal together."

I crossed my legs, my hands resting in my lap. It didn't feel right to be here. I wasn't a part of Red's family - Nicky was right. I was just a mere friend, though it barely even felt like I was that.

And it's not like Nicky and I were together.. No, that ship sailed long ago.

More like _sunk_.

"How the fuck you do this without a kitchen?" Boo asked.

"I'm a good improviser," Red answered, her smile never leaving her lips as she glanced over her shoulder. "And I had some help from the baddest bitches around."

When everyone laughed, I quietly joined in. My stomach was in knots just being here. Because I didn't belong here. I wasn't Red's family. Nicky was shooting daggers at me every opportunity she got. I've never really talked to anyone else here, other than Lorna and occasionally Boo.

Why was I here?

"Thank you for coming," Red said. "I know you didn't have to."

"Hey, Red, you gotta let us in on the secret," Boo said, smirking. "I mean, this shit is crazy."

"You're my family," Red flatly said. "All of you are very important to me."

And that's when I really started to feel out of place as Red indulged in a heartfelt speech. These kind of situations made me feel awkward as hell, not to mention I wasn't her family and I wasn't important to her.

Why the _fuck_ was I here?

Boo interrupted her speech and Red paused to stand up and smack her in the hand. My eyes darted around the room, studying each person here. Did they all really mean that much to her?

My view on prison was to never let anyone get close to you. It made you and them a vulnerable target, so why was Red family with all of them?

Finally, my eyes landed on Nicky. She was watching and listening intently to Red. Judging by her expression, she had already forgiven her.

And then she caught me staring. Again. Her eyes locked with mine for the second time this dinner, and I pressed my lips together. She didn't blink, didn't glare, didn't smile. Just blankly stared.

"Gina," Red said, snapping me back to reality. I looked away from Nicky towards her, listening to her words. "I don't know that I'll ever have the words to express the regret I feel for what happened to you. I made a mistake."

Nicky's eyes were still on me. Everyone started chuckling again, and it felt like the walls were closing in on me.. _Suffocating_ me. I inhaled a deep breath, but it didn't calm me down.

Red had turned to Norma and was giving another heartwarming speech about her always being by her side. This was too much.

Fuck, I had to get out of here.

"I'm going outside, I need some air," I suddenly said to Red, standing up and ignoring everyone's stares. Red stood up and I had just reached the doors when Nicky suddenly spoke.

"Yeah, do what you always do best and leave."

I stopped, my hand mere inches from the door. It would be easy to just leave and ignore what she said. It would be easier to not start a fight with her and not ruin Red's dinner. But, like always, Nicky's words provoked anger inside me.

"Excuse me?"

"I _said_ do what you always do best," she said as I glanced over my shoulder at her. "Isn't that running away? Avoiding your problems like a fucking coward ass?"

"Avoiding my problems? God, do you even hear yourself? You're so full of it."

"You two, take your drama outside," Red said, interrupting us. "We're trying to have a dinner here."

"There's nothing to talk about," Nicky defended.

"Really? Then why are you still bringing it up?" I said, raising my eyebrows. "Clearly you aren't over anything."

"That's a load of bullshit, even for you! But I guess you're the one who has perfected letting shit go!"

"Because I had to!" I yelled. The room fell silent, everyone either watching Nicky and I or keeping their eyes low. "Because I fucking had to! I wouldn't expect you to understand."

"The fuck you had to for?" Nicky said, standing up and coldly laughing. "No, you left me high and dry because you already got what you fucking wanted, right? You just used me for your own comfort!"

"Just fuck off, Nichols! You were the one who came onto me!"

"Not to mention the bang off," Boo suddenly added, smirking. Nicky shot her a nasty look, and she raised her hands. "Hey, don't shoot the peasant."

"You two should take this outside," Red hissed, looking between us. "I brought you both here to work through your shit, not ruin my dinner. If you're going to act like two year old's then by all means, leave."

"Then why did you even fucking invite her?" Nicky spat. "She's not fucking family."

I clenched my fists together but didn't say anything. The greenhouse was deadly quiet again, until Lorna spoke.

"Nichols, maybe you should sit back down," Lorna quietly said.

"I don't want to fucking sit," she said, walking towards me. "I want fucking answers!"

She grabbed my shoulders and pressed me against the doors. I narrowed my eyes at her as I heard footsteps approach us. Her jaw was shaking and her eyes pierced through me.

"I just want answers," she quietly said.

"Yeah, well, you can get them from Vee," I said, pushing her off me. She didn't say anything so I used the opportunity to escape through the doors into the chilly winter night. I closed the door behind me and kicked at the ground with my boot, wishing I had left when I had the opportunity.

What a great fucking dinner, I'd say. Red must be pissed.

The doors opened behind me. I closed my eyes, quietly chuckling.

"I swear, Nichols, leave me the fuck alone," I said, without turning around. When someone's hand touched my arm, I glanced over my shoulder at them. "Oh. Sorry, I just thought you'd be.. you know."

"It's okay," Lorna said, softly smiling. "Things got a bit rough in there."

"Yeah, being with her always brings that out of me, I guess. The yelling and screaming and pushing. I hate it."

"I've never seen her like that before. It kinda scared me."

"It's just for show," I said, shrugging. "She buries her sadness and instead turns to anger. It's how she copes, at least with me.. I guess _only_ with me."

"Well, you're definitely the only person who can fire her up like that," she said, chuckling. "But, you're also the only person I've seen make her smile the most."

I frowned, looking back over at her. "Really?"

Lorna nodded. "Yeah, yeah. I mean, loneliness was what only really attracted us together. But now she has you, and you have her."

"I don't have her. Not even close."

"Things can change," she said, shrugging. "You two have this chemistry that even I've noticed. It makes me miss Christopher, you know?"

I paused, staring at the greenhouse as if I could see through it. Nicky was probably sitting again, not talking or listening while Red tried to fix her dinner. She was probably trying to make sense of this situation in her head, or maybe even wondering why she ever hooked up with me in the first place.

God, I really fucked that right up.

"You should probably get back in there," I said, stiffly smiling. "I think I'm just gonna go lie down or something."

She nodded again and stepped back inside the greenhouse. I walked back towards the prison, shoving my hands in my pockets. It felt much warmer inside, and my breathing was starting to even out.

Only Nicky could rile be up that much. She held so much power over me, and I fucking hated it. Because I knew, no matter how persistent I was or how hard I tried, we couldn't live under the same roof and not be drawn to each other.

Some days we could put up with each other, and it felt like we could finally be friends. Other days our claws were out and we weren't holding anything back. I just wanted the old us back, the ones who could make any situation less shitty.

The old us who were in love.

It was later that night when I went to use the bathrooms before calling it a night. Nicky wasn't in our bunk all night, but the dinner had to be over. The bathrooms were fairly empty, and as I was walking back to my bunk I saw Boo walking out of a different bathroom.

"Spencer, I'm surprised there aren't any claw marks on you," she said, grinning. I only furrowed my eyebrows at her - she was acting weird. "Keep your enemies close, am I right?"

She chuckled, sauntering by me with an extra perk in her step. I watched her go before glancing over my shoulder, seeing Vee standing there watching me. She was smiling, but it felt more like a warning.

Great. Nicky is pissed at me and will probably be ignoring me the next time I see her. Boo was acting fucking strange and I couldn't help but feel like it had something to do with Vee.

Which brings me to Vee. I definitely wasn't on her good side, and I was sort of afraid to see what she did to those who crossed her bad side. Choke them in their sleep?

I knew today would be a shitty day.


	8. Chapter 8

**Enjoy the chapter! As always, leaving a review will definitely be appreciated!**

* * *

 _Nicky's body danced against mine. Loud music filled the nightclub, but her laughter was the only thing I didn't tune out. She was smiling, staring at me with those big brown eyes that drove me crazy._

 _"I'm gonna go to the bathroom!" she yelled into my ear, leaving my side when I nodded._

 _With the absence of her body beside mine, I stopped dancing and took a deep breath. The scene before me wasn't one we were used to on Friday nights. No, we didn't get out to places like these much._

 _We both found that we preferred going on our own crazy adventures, without hundreds of people surrounding us. But I wanted a change for a night, and so I brought Nicky to a popular nightclub in New York._

 _When Nicky returned, we resumed dancing but I easily and quickly noticed a change in her behavior. Her dancing seemed sloppy, not to mention her eyes seemed.. dilated._

 _"Are you okay?" I asked over the music. "We can go home if you want!"_

 _"I'm fine!" she yelled back, plastering a smile on that I easily caught as fake. I knew her too well, like the back of my hand. I knew she wasn't fine, but her stubborn ass would never tell me otherwise._

 _I pretended I had an uneasy stomach, and with one complaint we were already out the door. She offered to drive or pay for a taxi, but I declined. I wasn't about to let my girlfriend drive when she didn't even have a license._

 _"I can teach you," I would always tell her. "My dad taught me."_

 _She would just dismiss the thought, saying driving in the city was pointless._

 _When we got back to the apartment, she grew even worse. Stumbling everywhere, using the walls to help her keep balance._

 _"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I said, furrowing my eyebrows as she just collapsed on the couch. "Too many drinks? Because we really didn't have that many."_

 _"Just a stomach virus," she said, waving me off._

 _But I knew it was more than that. I recalled this happening before a couple times. She just needed to crack and tell me what was up._

 _"Okay, if you insist you're fine," I said, sitting beside her on the couch as she sat up. I stroked her arm, a smile dancing across my lips. "Bedroom?"_

 _"Not really feeling it, kid," she murmured, pressing her hand against her forehead. I frowned, leaning over to peck her lips when I felt how hot her skin was._

 _"Jesus," I said, sitting back up. "You're burning up. Maybe you should take a bath or something."_

 _"Would you hand me my cellphone?"_

 _I grabbed it off the table, handing it to her. My eyes watched her intently as her eyes scanned over something, probably a text. Her lips quivered for a second and she quietly sighed before texting something back. After a couple seconds she snapped it shut, tossing it back onto the table._

 _"Taking a bath sounds like a great fucking idea," she said, standing up and walking towards the bathroom. "Come on in if you feel like it."_

 _I nodded, biting my lip as she stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. I waited until I could hear the water running to snatch her cellphone off the table and open it._

 _Let's see just who you were texting that made you so pissy._

 _Most of her messages were from me - big surprise there. But the most recent one was from someone named Chris._

 _Chris? Who the hell was Chris?_

 _She couldn't be cheating on me, that's for sure. Nicky only had a thing for girls, through and through. My eyes flickered to the bathroom door before I quickly opened their messages._

 _Nicky said she was running low. Running low on what?_

 _Chris said he couldn't bring her any until the end of the month._

 _Nicky just now said she would pay up front._

 _I snapped the cellphone shut, stiffly placing it back on the table as it was. My narrowed eyes just stared at the bathroom door before I closed them._

 _Drugs. Nicky was back on drugs again._

* * *

Things weren't going so well between Nicky and I.

We haven't talked since the incident at Red's dinner, and to say things have been awkward between us would be an understatement. She was reverting back to old tactics and ignoring me.

She was sitting on her bed with Lorna when I walked into the bunk. Lorna looked up at me with a smile, but Nicky completely ignored my presence.

"Spencer! How does my eyebrow look?" she said, turning her head to the side.

"Makes you look really skeptical," I answered as Nicky looked up from her magazine, but didn't look at me.

"Really? That was her exact response," Lorna said, gesturing to Nicky. My eyes drifted back to her, but she was looking down at her magazine again.

"A-Dorm! Sweep time!"

Lorna shot off the bed, saying something about her lipstick. Nicky shot up too, and I watched her rush to her locker. She quickly opened it and I was about to turn my back on her when I saw her slip something out of it.

"Fuck!" she said, quickly hiding it in her shirt. She stood back up and recomposed herself, until she noticed me staring.

"Inmates, outside!" Officer O'Neil said as he stepped into our bunk. I slipped out of the bunk, pressing my back against the wall when I noticed Gina was watching as well. She must have seen it too.

"Nicky," I said in a low voice, glancing over my shoulder at O'Neil. He was contently pulling my mattress up and making a mess. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Shut up," she hissed, straightening her back and looking straight ahead of her.

O'Neil moved to the next bunk, and after every dorm had been checked Nicky grabbed her toilet paper and started walking away.

"Nicky, fucking wait up," I said, catching up to her just as she walked into the hall. I grabbed her wrist, stopping her in her tracks as she just shot me a nasty look. "Don't even pretend I didn't see what I saw, what the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"It wasn't anything," she said, yanking her wrist free and walking away.

"Did Vee give it to you?" I asked, quickly following behind her.

"Fuck off, Spencer."

She walked into the bathrooms and I loudly sighed before following her in. She stopped by the sinks, her toilet paper on the counter.

"Nicky, I swear if you don't give it to me I will reach down your shirt and take it."

"Really?" she said, slightly grinning. "That's funny, considering you haven't gotten that physical with me since you used me for your own pleasure and then dumped me out like last weeks trash."

I inhaled a deep breath and closed my eyes. "I had to. You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

I opened my eyes, and she was glaring at me. "Vee, okay? Vee has been on my case lately, and I just.. I didn't want to see you get hurt."

"I'm a big fucking girl," she said, turning back to the mirror. "I can take care of myself."

"I know, but.. just.. Goddammit, just give me the fucking drugs."

"Finish what you were saying."

I sighed, cursing both our stubbornness. Apparently she would win this battle.

"Fine," I said, pausing. "You're just better off without me."

"Oh, really? So you slept with me just to bask in the glory of it all, and then dumped me on my fucking ass?"

" _You_ fucked me. It wasn't the other way around. Is it wrong of me to assume you'd want to start something again after that?" She didn't say anything, so I continued. "I can't let you get close to me again, Nicky. Because I.. I know how much I hurt you, and I don't want to see you hurt again."

She looked back at the mirror and sighed. "You didn't drive me to drugs."

"What?"

"It wasn't you," she explained. "It was just easier to say it was you."

"Then what was it?"

"You're not an addict, kid," she said, chuckling through her words. "Drugs hold this power over you and you can't fight it. You can't do anything, you just kind of go with it. Drugs always drive me in, what can I say? I have a soft spot for them."

Sounds familiar. Maybe Nicky is my drug.

"Give them to me," I said, holding my hand up. Nicky frowned before loudly sighing, reaching into her shirt and pulling the small baggie out. She placed them in my hand and I smiled. "See? You're a fighter, you always have been."

I walked into one of the stalls, staring at the baggie before dumping it into the toilet. I pressed the button and watched it swirl down the drain.

"There, it's gone," I said, walking back to the sinks. "Did Vee give it to you?"

"Nah, Taystee," she said, shaking her head. "But, you know.. drugs always find their way back to me. Once an addict always an addict, right?"

"No, that's bullshit. Addictions go away."

"Not all of them," she said. "Drugs aren't even the worst of them."

"Yeah? What is, then?"

She smirked and her eyes met mine. "You."

* * *

"Chapman, look who's back from their 48 hours of freedom," I said, smiling as I stopped in front of her bunk. Red was sitting at her locker looking into her mirror, and Piper was sitting on her bed.

"Yeah, nothing special though," she said, lightly shrugging. "What was going to be spent with my grandma was spent at her funeral instead."

"Shit, I'm sorry," I said, frowning.

"It's fine. Oh, and I found out my ex fiance slept with someone else. Really, I would have been better off here."

"Did you - "

"I actually did," she interrupted, reaching under her pillow and pulling a folded piece of paper out. I walked towards her to take it, and out of the corner of my eyes I saw Red stiffen. "I memorized her phone number and wrote it on this paper."

"Thanks," I said, taking the paper and putting it in my pocket. "How'd you do it?"

"Facebook," she answered, smiling. "It took a bit of digging, but I did it while taking a bath, so. Did you know she has another kid?"

"I did," I said, casting Red a glance. "Little girl, isn't it?"

"Oh, um.. she looked about fourteen, I'd say."

"Well, uh, thanks for this," I said, smiling at her. She smiled back, standing up and saying something about finding making a quick call. I watched her leave before turning to Red and clearing my throat. "Hey, Red, I'm sorry about your dinner the other day."

"There's nothing to apologize about," she said, staring at her reflection through the mirror.

"Yeah, there kind of is," I said. "I didn't know it was that important. I shouldn't have come."

"Family is important in a place like this, Jamie," she said, setting her mirror down. "You need to protect them, but if the time comes, they will protect you. Nicky is an important part of my family, and I wanted you to see that."

"I know, and - "

"Tell me what you were saying about Vee," she said, standing up and crossing towards me. "Is she causing you any trouble? Nicky?"

"She's being a pain in the ass, that's for sure. It's just the drugs and the - "

"The drugs?" Red said, furrowing her eyebrows. "What drugs? Is she bringing drugs into my prison?"

"She's bringing drugs in, selling them," I said, biting my lip. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that. "Gave some to me, Nicky too."

"No, don't tell me Nicky has drugs," she said, closing her eyes.

"I flushed them down the toilet."

She opened her eyes and briefly smiled. "Thank you for that. I'll handle this Vee situation, alright?"

"Yeah, sure," I said, remembering what she had said earlier. Having family in prison means they've got your back, and you have theirs. If Nicky and I were going to be close again, I had to protect it. It's what I always did. "Actually, I think I've got it."

"If you say so," Red said, patting my shoulders with a smile.

I left the bunks to find Vee. It was past dinner so she wasn't in the cafeteria, and she wasn't in the rec room either. I checked the TV room and even maintenance, but she wasn't there.

Finally I headed to her own bunk, knowing I wasn't allowed there. But this had to end now. I could protect Nicky from Vee, but I couldn't protect her from drugs.

I didn't know which bunk was hers, but I spotted Taystee in her own bunk. She was sitting on her bed, reading a book. I clenched my fists together before approaching her bunk.

"Hey, Taystee," I called out, stopping at the entrance to her bunk and leaning my side against the short wall. She glanced up from her book and chuckled.

"Sorry, we're all out," she said, looking back down at her book.

"That's not what I'm here for."

She looked back up at me and set her book down, motioning for me to come in. I begrudgingly walked into her bunk towards her as she held her hand out.

"I'll need the stamps first," she said in a low voice.

"What?"

"Isn't that what you here for?" she asked, furrowing her eyebrows "The special stuff?"

"No, not exactly," I said. "But while we're talking about it, I need you to stop selling it to Nichols."

"I sell it to whoever is buyin'," she said with a shrug. "If she doesn't want it, she won't buy it."

"That's the thing," I said. "She can't be around heroin, alright? She's clean, and it needs to stay that way."

Taystee sighed and stood up. "Look, I get that you're looking out for her, but I sell shit to whoever is interested. Maybe you should talk to her about this, not me."

"You're the one who gave her the damn heroin in the first place," I snapped. She raised her hands up just as I heard Vee speaking behind me.

"Is there a problem, Taystee?" she asked, flickering her eyes between us as I turned around to face her.

"I'm not here to cause any trouble," I said.

"It's too late for that," Vee said. "You best be on your way, Jamie Spencer."

"If you're thinking about giving more heroin to Nichols, I won't hesitate to flush it down the toilet," I said, narrowing my eyes at Vee. "Again. Not a very sound business practice, is it?"

As I started to walk out of the bunk, I caught Poussey's eye from the next bunk over. She looked.. overwhelmed.

"That's not very threatening," Vee said, stopping me in my tracks. I was already out the bunk, clearly visible from the guard's bubble.

"Excuse me?"

"I thought you would learn your lesson the first time not to mess with me," she said, her voice sending shivers down my spine.

Poussey walked out of her bunk, crossing towards Vee. "Hey, man, cut her some slack. So she doesn't want her friend back on drugs."

"And when did this become any of your business?" Vee asked, casting her a glare.

Taystee then got involved the moment Poussey did, and all I could do was stand there, listening to only Vee's words. I couldn't imagine Nicky being back on drugs - it was a horrible experience the first two times that I didn't want to relive.

She was so vulnerable when she was on them, she became less _her_. Her only priority was drugs. She was so much better than that, I didn't want to see her turn back into that person.

"You're a fucking joke, you know that?" I angrily said to Vee, clenching my fists. "This prison isn't your territory."

"It certainly isn't yours," Vee said, chuckling. "You should see yourself. You're losing it."

"If you give her any more fucking drugs, I swear I will - "

"Inmates! What's going on over here?" Officer Mendez said, approaching us before stopping beside me. He glanced down at me with a taunting smile. "Inmate Spencer, huh? You were saying?"

My narrowed eyes remained locked on Vee. "Nothing, _sir_."

"That's what I thought," he said, leaning down until he was eye level with me. My eyes drifted from Vee down to the floor, and I closed them when he grasped my chin and lowered his voice. "This isn't your dorm, inmate, but I'll let you go with a warning."

He stood back up, laughing as he started to walk away.

"You better run along, inmate," Vee mocked, smirking as she stepped in front of me. "Your concerns should lie with your fucked up girlfriend, not me. Or maybe with Casey, though you two have seen better days, right?"

Casey.

How the fuck did she know about Casey?

"That's fucking it," I snapped, raising my hand and slapping her across the cheek. She stumbled back, grasping her cheek as Taystee and Cindy started to approach me. Vee raised her hand to stop them just as a pair of hands grabbed my arms.

"Slapping another inmate," Mendez said, his laughter ringing in my ear. "You're going to the SHU, inmate. It's real funny down there, I'm sure you'll love it."

I wiggled in his grasp as he led me out of the dorm. I looked at Poussey, expecting her to be watching me. But instead she was glaring at Vee, her body seemingly shaking.

"C'mon, inmate, don't make this harder than it has to be," Mendez said, tightening his grip on my shoulders. He led me through the halls of Litchfield, and we passed by the stairs where Nicky was sitting with Lorna.

Lorna was crying, but her tears stopped as she glanced up at us. I locked eyes with Nicky and she stood up, calling something out to Mendez but her words didn't register in my mind.

I was later handcuffed and led down to solitary. A new guard pushed me along as I passed by the same doors holding different inmates. Their screams echoed in my mind as we stopped at an open door.

"This is you," the guard said, pushing me in. I turned around to face the guard and he was about to close the door.

"Wait," I said, and he stopped to look up at me. "How long are you going to keep me down here?"

"That's not up to me to decide, inmate," he said, smirking and closing the door on me.


	9. Chapter 9

**And Jamie is in the SHU. Who knows how Nicky will react to that.**

 **Things get pretty intense afterwards between Jamie and Vee. Who else pretty much hated Vee and was happy for Rosa during that scene?**

 **Enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

The light shining above me flickered every couple of seconds. I sat on my bed, staring up at the ceiling and wondering if I maybe could have handled that situation better.

And then I moved to sit on the floor and lean my back against the wall. Casey soon filled my mind, and I wondered how he was doing. If he ever even thought about me or what he did. Maybe he felt no remorse whatsoever.

How Vee even knew he _existed_. It made sense - she was everywhere, watching me and listening in to my conversations. She already knew Emily's name and Casey, what else does she know?

What if she tries to contact him?

The floor started to feel hard, so I stood up and paced around the room. What's there to do with nothing but a bed and toilet? I was almost certain it had only been a few hours, but I wasn't tired.

At first I was angry, pissed I was stuck in this room. Pissed that Vee got the last laugh. Pissed that I couldn't talk to Nicky.

But then I grew bored. My thoughts felt like my worst enemy, and I eventually sat defeated on my bed and evaluated the duration of my arrest so far.

Shit had completely blown up in my face and I had only been here for a couple months. Who's to say what else will happen in the next five years? What if I decided to give Nicky another chance? What happens when one of us gets out and the other still has a shit ton of time before they're out?

I didn't expect to be sent to the same prison Nicky was in, and I didn't expect her to ever even be arrested. I knew she needed help when she was hooked on drugs again, but I wasn't there to give it.

Because I felt used. Like she knew she could do whatever the fuck she wanted because I would always be there to pick up the pieces. But I felt betrayed - she promised me she was done for good.

How was I to witness her go through detox for the rest of my life?

It would be a never ending battle. But the battle wasn't between Nicky and I, it was between Nicky and herself. And I didn't want to be there to see who won.

It came down to what she needed more by her side. If she would rather stay and live a long life with me, a life filled with laughter, happiness, and the occasional tears. Or if she would rather live a life of drugs.

What if one day in the future I decided to give Nicky a second chance? What happens when we _both_ actually get out? I have no fucking clue where we would even go from here. Would we buy a house complete with a white picket fence?

Prison didn't change people. It stripped you of your only defenses until you're left completely naked and vulnerable to other people. It fucks with your mind and makes you feel like you aren't safe, because you aren't.

Prison isn't filled with people who will stab you in the back - it's people who will stab you in the front with a smile on their face.

God, I was thinking too much into this. I needed to get the fuck out of this cell.

Sleep didn't come easy to me that night. At some point I fell asleep still on the floor, the coolness feeling nice against my back. The hardness of it hurt my neck, though, so I moved to the bed and stared at the ceiling until breakfast was brought to me through the small gap in the door.

It didn't look like food, but rather something someone threw up and decided to call edible food. It looked mushy and disgusting, and I wasn't too sure if I wanted this mush inside my body.

I ended up flushing it down the toilet.

A lady guard eventually opened the slot of my door, checking in on me before opening it completely.

"Shower time, inmate," she said, gesturing for me to get up from the floor. She took my arm and closed the door behind me, pushing me towards the showers. The screaming wasn't as loud as we passed by the other cells.

Showering while being handcuffed wasn't exactly fun. I wanted my hand to be free, _I_ wanted to be free from this hellhole. The shower wasn't helping me at all. It felt like a thousand small knives were hitting my back.

The guard brought me back to my small cell and I was once again left alone with what I wanted to avoid most. My thoughts. I couldn't stop thinking about Nicky, Casey, my mom.

How different would my life be if I hadn't been arrested? If Casey never even fucking happened?

Things would be easier, but there would still be something missing from my life. Being in prison has made me realize what was missing all along was Nicky. But could I go back to all that? Take all that back on?

It worried me to think about what Nicky was doing right now. I didn't want any trouble between her and Vee, and I wasn't there to stop her.

Finally, _finally_ it happened. My door slid opened and I sat up from the bed, my hair a disheveled mess and my clothes wrinkled.

"Let's go, inmate," the guard said. I quickly stood up and he heaved the door shut behind me, gripping my arm and pulling me out of solitary.

Finally! I was getting out of this fucking hellhole.

My head felt much more clear now that I wasn't stuck in that cell. Part of me wanted to go find Vee and finished what I started, but mostly I just wanted to go see Nicky.

She had to of been pissed. She never liked me fighting her battles, always stubbornly claiming she could handle herself. But I watched out for her as much as she did me. Vee's words just made something inside me snapped and I wanted to break her in half.

Not even Nicky knew about Casey.

Breakfast, lunch, or dinner, _whatever_ , was just starting. My stomach growled and I started to walk into the cafeteria when I was suddenly stopped by an arm clothed in blue.

"Well, look who's managed to crawl their pretty ass out of the SHU," Officer Mendez said, grinning. "Careful not to temp any inmates in there, inmate. I'd hate to send you back down there when you just got out."

"Life's a bitch that way, huh," I said, plastering a fake smile on and walking past him into the booming cafeteria. I walked towards the queue, shifting on my feet as it moved forward.

Compared to the slop I was served in the SHU, the food seemed like a heavenly gourmet meal.

"Look who survived the SHU."

I glanced over my shoulder and chuckled. "Yeah, what's it been? A day?"

"Three days," Poussey informed, grinning as the line moved forward. "It gets kind of lonely down there. But congrats on slapping that smug smirk off Vee's face."

My eyes found Vee in the crowded cafeteria. She was kicking poor Rosa out of an empty table, her girls surrounding her at the table. She didn't know I was back.

"Someone's gotta do it," I said, tearing my eyes away from her table as I reached up to grab my tray.

"Heard you got yourself tangled with Vee," Gloria said as I grabbed the tray from her. "Good for you."

I smiled, looking back over my shoulder. This time, Cindy and Janae were already watching me. Instantly my smile dropped and a scowl took its place.

Sliding my tray off the metal bar, I gripped my tray and looked around the cafeteria. Piper and Lorna were sitting together at a table near the back, so I started walking towards them.

Janae and Cindy muttered something as I walked by, laughing and probably pointing at my back. I didn't make eye contact with Vee, but I knew she was watching me. Waiting for me to strike again.

"Look at you," Lorna said, grinning at me as I sat down across from her. "You startled us going to the SHU so abruptly."

"It sucked, didn't it?" Piper asked. "Was there a vent in your room?"

"No," I said, looking at her strangely. "I take it you've been to the SHU before?"

"Twice," she said, nodding as she took another bite of her food. "Nicky didn't know how to handle it up here."

"Really?"

"Really," Lorna answered. "She was a mess. I'd hate to see the way she'd react if you went to max, or psych."

"Max?" I said, furrowing my eyebrows. "Oh, maximum facility. Yeah, fat chance of that happening."

"Only really old people come back from there," Lorna said.

"For good behavior, mostly," Piper said, squinting her eyes at a table behind me. "So what happened between you and Vee?"

"Honestly, I don't know. I'm trying to make sense of it," I said. "She just kept talking about things she didn't know shit about.

"Hey, hey there's Nichols," Lorna said, pointing to the entrance of the cafeteria. I followed her finger, almost smiling when I saw her standing there. But her eyes weren't on me, and she didn't look happy. "Oh, no. She's going for Vee. We've been trying to keep them apart."

I stood up, watching as Nicky walked towards Vee. By the time she reached her, Vee was already standing, towering over Nicky. Mendez started to look interested in them so I quickly intervened.

Crossing towards Nicky, I gripped her shoulders and pulled her back from Vee.

"Nicky, don't," I said, turning her so she was looking at me. "I'm back, no harm done. So just stop, okay?

"Oh, and the fucked up girlfriend is getting involved. Didn't take long to escape solitary, did it?"

I paused, closing my eyes before swiftly turning around. Vee was standing mere inches from me, her height towering over me. I narrowed my eyes, standing my ground and tilting my chin up.

"Shut the fuck up," I snapped in a low voice. "I will fucking bury you."

"I would love to see you try," she snarled back, her girls already standing around her.

She stared me down, her lips twitching into a small smirk. I only clenched my fists together, ready to actually _punch_ this bitch when I heard Nicky say something behind me.

By now Mendez was getting interested. He was starting to walk towards us just as I saw Red out of the corner of my eye.

"What's the problem here, ladies?" he said, quickly making eye contact with me. "You're really wishing for the SHU again, aren't you, inmate? I thought I told you to avoid trouble."

Red had reached us, immediately taking sides with me. She stood beside me, hissing something to Vee that I didn't quite register. I could only make sense of Nicky's words.

"Let's leave, okay?" she said quietly, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the cafeteria. Mendez had to of said something about giving us all shots, and Red was now facing off against Vee.

God, my first fucking day out of solitary and I almost landed my ass back in there.

"What the fuck was that?" Nicky said, stopping once we were a safe enough distance from the cafeteria. "I haven't seen that side of you in.. a long time."

"You know me," I said, shrugging. "Zero tolerance for anyone's shit."

"Yeah, but.. defending me like that?" Nicky said, smirking. "Gets me pretty hot. Always has."

"Well, don't. I think we've had enough of that."

She rolled her eyes. "Come on. We need to talk."

She started walking away and I quickly followed, eventually being led to the chapel. Ah, where shit had really hit the fan my first month here. Lovely memories.

Following her to the stage, we sat on the edge of it and dangled our legs over it. Nicky fiddled with her hands on her lap and I sighed, wondering where we even stood.

"What are we, Nicky?"

She looked up at me from her hands. "People. Inmates. What kind of question is that?"

"What are _we_?" I said, rolling my eyes and gesturing to us. "Friends, acquaintances, strangers, what?"

"We're hardly strangers. Friends with benefits, maybe."

"I'm being serious, because I have no fucking clue where I stand," I said. "Are we friends? Should I even call us that?"

"We can be whatever the fuck we want to be," she said. "Why label?"

"Because we can't keep ignoring each other, then yelling and screaming, then being back to friends or whatever the hell you want to call it," I said, throwing my arms up. "I can't keep living like that."

She snickered. "That's exactly what you said when you left me two years ago."

I paused, looking back at her with a guilty expression. It was exactly what I had said two years ago, on the night I left her and broke her heart. But my heart had already been shattered into a million pieces before I left.

"Shit really hit the fan, okay? You weren't exactly being the best girlfriend those last couple of months."

"Yeah, right," Nicky murmured. "You were the one who decided to be the bitch and leave me."

I laid my back down against the floor, my legs dangling off the edge as I just chuckled. "Look at us, we're already starting to fight."

"So our relationship isn't up to today's standards," she said, lying down and turning her head to look at me. "We can be the exception."

"Did I ever tell you why I was in prison?"

"No," she said, suddenly sitting up at the change of topics. "What'd you do? Rob a bank, sell drugs? Get hooked on drugs? That would be pretty ironic, huh."

I sat up as well. "None of that."

"So then what?"

"So.. I had this boyfriend," I said, already regretting my words. Jealousy washed over her face. "And it sucked. He sucked."

"Of course it would," she said, snickering as she gestured to herself. "You went from me to him."

"Let me finish the story. So I have this boyfriend for about six months, right? And.. well, he ended up cheating on me, and.."

My eyes closed as I trailed off. I couldn't finish the story. I could only think of that night, the night of my arrest. It made me feel like I wanted to jump out of my skin, like I didn't even feel safe in it.

"Jamie," Nicky said, nudging me with her elbow. "Hey. What happened? Did you kill the bastard?"

"No," I said, opening my eyes and chuckling. "But, uh, I came close."

"What?"

"It just happened so fast," I quickly said. "We were outside this bar, I was drunk, and.. I don't know. I didn't hold back."

"So, let me reiterate," she said, raising her eyebrows. "You assaulted your boyfriend outside a bar because he cheated on you."

"Pretty much," I said, nodding. "Only he's not my boyfriend anymore."

"Huh, I guess I got the better end of the deal. You only left me."

A small smile danced across my lips as I looked down at my lap. "You don't hate me now, do you?"

"God, no," she said, laughing. "Just means you can kick a little ass."

I felt much lighter now that Nicky knew, even if it wasn't the entire story. Pieces were left out of it, but she couldn't handle it. She would do something stupid and reckless if she ever knew.

I laid my back down on the floor again, Nicky soon doing the same. I felt comfortable in the silence, comfortable beside Nicky.

"Just so you know, I still heart you."

Turning my head to look at her, I stared into her brown eyes and smiled back at her. Her curly hair was sprawled out all around her. She reached for my hand, grabbing it and lacing her fingers through it.

"I heart you too," I whispered, my smile growing. "So, friends?"

"Yeah. Friends."

But even I knew being friends wouldn't last long. In that moment, the moment that I felt like kissing her until our lips bled, I knew being friends wouldn't last us very long.

Because I was still in love with Nicky Nichols.


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry for the long update! Life sometimes gets in the way.**

 **Thank you to everyone who is reading this. It means a lot to me to know people like my story! When this story is done, there's going to be a sequel as long as you guys would enjoy reading it.**

 **Enjoy the chapter! Be sure to leave a review!**

* * *

 _The inevitable was happening._

 _What Nicky and I had was real. We had passion, fire, real honest to god love for each other. But it wasn't enough to save her from drugs, and I wasn't so sure I was either._

 _My two bags were already packed, already in the living room. I wanted to just leave a simple note and scurry off to Emily's apartment, where she's thankfully letting me stay, but I knew she deserved an explanation._

 _I just wasn't sure I was ready to face Nicky._

 _She was off meeting friends, a regular Thursday for her. Once I started paying attention to her behavior whenever she'd come home, I easily figured out she was coming home high._

 _So I assumed Thursday was when she met with her drug dealer. Probably in normal settings that anyone else wouldn't think twice about. I once asked if I could come with and meet her friends, and man did she get pissy._

 _But she let me meet her other friends. We sometimes hung out with Jade and Allison and Jack. Come to think of it, though, I haven't seen Jade in awhile._

 _And Chris. Fuck Chris for ever selling Nicky heroin. That's probably who she was out with now, buying drugs and ready to come home high._

 _I was sitting on the couch, my legs crossed and the lights off when Nicky finally came home. She slipped her key through the door and stepped inside our apartment, ready to greet me with a smile when she saw my packed bags._

 _"What's this?" she said, tossing her keys onto the counter with a light chuckle. She set a shopping bag on the counter beside the keys and crossed towards me. "Going to summer camp?"_

 _"I'm leaving you," I blurted out, standing up and brushing my sweaty hands on my jeans. Here goes nothing._

 _Nicky only blinked, her eyes drifting off to my bags._ _"You're joking," she said, nervously laughing. "So, where we going this time? London? Greece?"_

 _"I'm going to my friend's apartment," I said, tears already forming in my eyes. I couldn't do this. I couldn't leave her. "Without you."_

 _But as her wide eyes looked back at me, I noticed they were dilated. She was fucking high. Maybe I couldn't leave her, but I couldn't let my life come to this._

 _"Why?" she finally said, her voice shaking._

 _"Because you aren't you, Nicky," I answered, wiping my tears away with my forearm. "I don't like this side of you. The side that cares more about drugs than your girlfriend."_

 _"So we're already starting the accusations?" Nicky said, her voice growing louder. "Why the fuck do you think I'm on drugs? How?"_

 _"Because I fucking know you! I know your quirks, your pet peeves, everything. You can't hide shit from me, and I know you're on drugs again. Heroin, right?"_

 _"You're right," she said through clenched teeth. "You're fucking right. I'm back on heroin again. And you're first thought is to leave my ass instead of help?"_

 _"I can't go through this, Nicky," I said, shaking my head as I looked down at my shoes. "I can't keep living like this. Drugs will always keep pulling you back in, and I don't think I'm strong enough to pull you back out."_

 _"You're saying this is all my fault," she said, loudly scoffing._

 _"Why didn't you trust me?" I asked, not looking away from the ground. I couldn't meet her stare. "Instead you're going behind me back, and.. breaking your promise. The first time I helped you detox through this you promised me you would never fall back into it."_

 _"So you're just leaving me for it?"_

 _An eerie silence filled the apartment. I swallowed the rest of my courage and looked up to meet her piercing stare. She was waiting, waiting for me to say no. She would apologize, promise to stop with the drugs and I would naively believe her. But it would never happen - not unless she wanted it to stop._

 _"Yes," I whispered, tears rolling onto my cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Nicky. I love you so fucking much, but.. I'm not enough for you."_

 _"Fuck you, Jamie," she spat, the words hitting me like a knife in the chest. "Have you been waiting for an excuse to leave this relationship? Or is me being back on heroin just as good as any? Open your eyes to the real fucking world and realize that when shit happens, your supposed to help the people you love and not run away like some fucking coward. But I guess this saves me from a relationship that was never meant to be in the first place."_

 _She stormed off to our bedroom, slamming the door so loud I flinched. And those were the last words she would say to me for two more years._

 _My shaky hands gripped my suitcase handles and I walked towards the door, pausing as I glanced over my shoulder at the door to our bedroom. I had a choice - I could stay and help Nicky through her drug problems, or I could leave and never come back._

 _My eye caught the shopping back she brought in, resting on the counter. I flickered my eyes back up to our bedroom before grabbing the bag and looking inside it. There was a smaller bag from some jewelry store across the street Nicky and I visited a couple weeks ago._

 _There was a small black box inside the bag. I slowly opened it, widening my eyes at the stunning engagement ring. It glistened under the light and I slowly slipped it onto my ring finger._

 _It was beautiful. I imagined Nicky proposing to me - she would never get down on one foot, never hide it in my food. She would start off by talking about our relationship and then take my hand, slipping the ring onto my finger._

 _We would be happy together. Maybe one day we would buy a house together, get a dog and grow old. We'd find new adventures to take on, maybe even kids one day._

 _But that would only be a fantasy world I'd be living in._

 _I slipped the ring off my finger, setting it back in the box and closing it._ _Grabbing my suitcases, I opened the door and walked out._

* * *

"So, Mendez got arrested?" I asked, setting the screwdriver down.

"Yeah, hopefully we're finally rid of him for good," Piper said, sighing.

It was another day in electrical. Things have been going good so far between Nicky and I, but part of me was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not once did I have a peaceful moment in prison, and yet here I was having one.

It couldn't last long.

"Alright, work day's over," Lushcek said, standing up from his desk and clapping his hands together.

"It's only noon," Piper said, furrowing her eyebrows.

"Yeah, but.. I got stuff to do, places to be," he said, pointing to the door. "Now get the fuck outta here."

I stood up from the stool, walking towards the door alongside everyone else. The snow was melting outside, but it was still cold as fuck. I quickly caught up to Nicky, grabbing her arm when I reached her.

"Hey," I said, smiling. "What's the deal with Luschek?"

"Thinks being a dick will make his bigger," she said, smirking when I laughed. It felt good to just be.. friends. Friends. Just friends. Right? "Kind of makes you think how he isn't in prison."

I shrugged as we stepped inside the prison. It wasn't yet lunch time so we headed towards our bunks when I noticed Red, standing in a different bunk arguing with someone.

I walked over, stopping at the short wall of the bunk as I listened in, Nicky quickly appearing behind me.

"So what was it, Frieda? Why did you do it, huh?"

Sharing a look with Nicky, she walked around the short wall and crossed towards Red.

"Is it because I didn't let you grow pot?" Red hissed, leaning down to meet her at eye level. "Because I over watered your tomatoes? What did it take to sell me out?"

"Red, I don't know what you're talking about," Frieda said, setting her cards down as she nervously looked at Norma.

Red grabbed her by the collars and that's when Nicky intervened, pulling her back by the shoulders. I cautiously stepped into the bunk and helped pull her away from Freida.

"Red! Hey, hey!" Nicky said, finally pulling her off Freida. She looked at me with wide eyes and I shrugged, not having a clue what any of this meant.

Nicky and I followed Red to the bathrooms, where she stopped by the sinks and slammed her hands down onto the counter.

"Red, come on," Nicky said, stopping beside her. "You just got your family back. You wanna mess things up making crazy accusations?"

"I know it's her," Red said, looking up from the sinks at us. "She's the Judas."

"Oh, so that makes you the Jesus?" I said, rolling my eyes.

"You don't know she talked any more than Norma did," Nicky said.

And when Red slowly looked back up at her, realization over her face as she actually believed it could be Norma, I knew she was paranoid.

"Maybe Vee just put two and two together," I said, suddenly remembered the night of Red's dinner. Afterwards I ran into Boo, and she said keep your enemies close. "Oh god, it was Boo."

Red and Nicky both looked at me in shock when a toilet flushed. I scowled upon seeing Cindy step out of a stall, a smirk stretching across her lips.

"Yeah, word," she said to us, her eyes lingering on me. "And it's not like you don't talk about this shit in normal volume in public places. Dummies."

"This isn't your bathroom," Nicky said.

Cindy set her toilet paper on the counter and pointed at us. "I can take a shit where the fuck I want.. And, they got contractors on the black side."

She squealed, and I looked over at Nicky. Her teeth were clenched and I knew she wasn't far from exploding.

Red walked towards Cindy and lowered her voice as she hissed something at her. Nicky started to walk towards them as well but I grabbed her arm, keeping her back.

"Let Red handle this," I quietly said. "I really don't want to see you going to the SHU next."

"Can't stop the inevitable," she said through her clenched teeth.

Cindy was laughing about something as she started to walk away when she suddenly stopped and snapped her fingers.

"Oh, but, uh.. somebody did rat you out," she said, smirking as she looked at me. "You were right, it was Boo. Puff out."

She left the bathroom and I sighed, looking up at Red. She couldn't have been thrilled to know it was Boo.

"Well.. that was a short mystery," Nicky said nervously. Red looked at her before storming out of the bathroom. "Red's gonna fucking kill her."

"What was she thinking, ratting her out?" I said, shaking my head.

"How'd you know it was her?"

"I remembered something," I said, biting my lip. Boo was acting strange that night, I had to of known something was up. But messing with Red like that? She must have a death wish.

And this was when the other shoe started to drop.

* * *

Wrapping my jacket tighter around me, I fell to the back of Red's family. She had the intention of ganging up on Boo, and while I always preferred one on one situations, I knew Red would want her family with her.

This time, with Nicky not ignoring me I actually felt like a part of the family.

Boo had her arm around some girl, clearly just leaving some intimate scene in the shed. She was all smiling and laughing like she hadn't stabbed Red in the back. The rest of us remained behind the shed, watching and listening to their conversation.

"Aren't you usually playing with the garden club about now?" Boo asked, chuckling.

"The greenhouse is closed for a little while," Red said. "There's a health hazard that needs to be sorted out."

"Really, what?" Boo said, and that's when we all walked behind her from the shed.

"A rat," Red replied, folding her arms over her chest as Boo turned around at us. Nicky easily got rid of Boo's girl as she just backed up into the fence.

"Alright, none of you bitches better come near me," she said, raising her hands.

"Relax, we're not going to hurt you," Red said, pulling a bag of jolly ranchers out of her jacket. She tossed them onto the ground in front of Boo. "Here. You asked for these. Enjoy them. It'll be the last favor I ever do for you."

"Oh, I'm out of the family." She clicked her tongue. "What a shame. Especially since our relationship has always involved such a high degree of mutual respect."

Red fake pouted. "You need love."

"I don't need shit," Boo said, kicking the jolly ranchers and pointing at all of us. "And fuck your jolly ranchers. There are houses on this block with much better candy."

"You'd rather eat at Vee's table, would you?"

"Yeah, so what?" Boo answered, scoffing. "Does that make me some kind of race betrayer, Red? So what. You buy loyalty with candy and skin care products. I mean, your gang looks like a bunk of half price Garbage Pail Kids!"

She looked around us, and when her eyes landed on me she scowled even harder.

"Red," she said, looking back at her. "You're a fucking joke."

I shared a look with Nicky. She seemed surprised at Boo's outburst, scared even of Red's reaction.

"You're right. I'm a joke," Red said. "I'm sure you'll be better off on your own."

"I know I fucking will," Boo said just as we all started to walk away. I walked towards Nicky when Boo suddenly called me out. "Spencer, wait up."

"What?" I hissed, turning around to meet her look. "Want to keep insult Red some fucking more?"

"You know, there's room at Vee's table," she offered, arching an eyebrow. "If you're interested."

"Well, I'm not. So you can shove that offer up your ass."

I turned back around, catching up with Nicky who was watching me with a smirk.

"You think Boo will really be okay alone?" I asked.

"Fuck no," she said, shaking her head. "And I'm pretty sure Vee doesn't take snitches too kindly."

"She has it coming," I said, but the whole situation made me feel weird. Vee was getting too much power in this prison.

Once we were inside the prison, Nicky and I split off from the group. She mentioned something about playing a game in the rec room, but when we passed by the phones I told her I'd catch up with her.

After getting Mr. Healy to sign off on a paper to contact my mom, I was ready to call her. I had no clue where she would be at this moment, if she would even have her phone with her, but..

I was finally ready to try.

As I picked up the phone, I stared at the buttons for a moment. What would I say to her when she picked up? If she doesn't know I'm in prison, who the fuck is she going to think is calling her?

What if she asked to visit me? I wasn't sure if I was ready to see her in person, not after she bolted the moment I turned eighteen.

I wish I could pick up the phone and call my dad. He would be so fucking disappointed to know I was in prison.

Taking a deep breath, I brought the phone to my ears and began slowly dialing her number. Just as I dialed the last one and heard it start to ring, someone disconnected the line.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I said, slamming the phone back into the receiver. "This has nothing to do with you."

"No, but I thought I'd pop in and share the news," Vee said, grinning. Suzanne was at her side, staring at me with wide eyes. "Surely you've heard by now."

"Heard what?" I said before widening my eyes. "What the fuck did you do to Nicky?"

"I didn't touch your precious girlfriend," she said, making my eyes narrow. "Oh, won't you miss this banter when you're gone."

"I'm not fucking leaving," I snapped. "Unless you want a repeat of last week?"

She coldly laughed, making me shiver at the sound. "I warned you not to mess with me, little girl. But I guess something inside you couldn't listen to my words, and now you've gotten yourself into trouble with no way out. Don't say I didn't warn you."

She smiled, turning on her heels and walking away with Suzanne following behind her. I blankly watched her go before glancing at the phones. With a sigh, I turned around and started walking towards the rec room.

How did Vee always manage to get inside my head? How does she fucking do it?

On my way to the rec room where I knew Nicky was waiting for me, I passed by Piper. She immediately stopped and wiped her eyes with her forearm.

"What's wrong?" I asked, stopping in front of her. "Chapman? What's up?"

"God, I fucking knew this would happen," she said, sniffling. "Fig, it's fucking Fig. She's always had it out for me, ever since Larry pulled the whole radio stunt."

"Fig? What did she do?"

"At least we'll be together," she said sadly. "Otherwise I wouldn't really know anyone."

"What are you rambling on about?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows. "What's going on?"

She looked at me strangely. "We're being transferred, Spencer."


	11. Chapter 11

**So sorry for the long wait. I love this story and I have many ideas for it, but I just don't have a lot of time right now. I will try to finish the story for everyone who is reading, though.**

 **So, this chapter is very drama filled. It's going to be pretty intense, and also towards the end it gets somewhat dark. Just as a warning, there are mentions of rape and abuse - no use of the actual words, though.**

 **Also, a little smut in the beginning for you all ;)**

 **Enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

"Transferred? You're kidding," Nicky said, panic in her voice as she jumped up from her bed and crossed towards me. "Tell me you're fucking kidding!"

"I'm not!" I said, sighing and running my hand down my face. "Piper.. Chapman told me a couple hours ago. We're both being transferred to Virginia."

"A couple hours ago? Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I couldn't find you!" I exclaimed. "You weren't in the rec room!"

"What, I was supposed to wait for you to show all night? You didn't come!"

"God, look at us. We can't stop arguing, even now," I said, shaking my head with a chuckle as I walked to my bed and sat down. Nicky sat down beside me, leaning her back up against the wall. "So what do we do now?"

She blew out a puff of air through her lips. "I have no fucking clue."

It grew silent, and I quietly sighed. Things were going so good for us, why did this have to fucking happen?

"When?" Nicky asked, her voice barely a whisper. "When do you leave?"

"In less than a week," I answered, my eyes dropping to my lap. "Maybe next Saturday."

"God," she mumbled, leaning her head back until it hit the wall. "That's so soon."

"I don't want to leave you," I whispered, looking over at her. Her eyes were closed, her lips pressed together. I reached for her hand and grabbed it, brushing my thumb over her skin when she finally opened her eyes and looked at me. "What now?"

"We'll stay in touch," Nicky said, her voice cracking at the end. "We won't fuck this up like last time."

"Nicky - "

She cut me off by crashing her lips into mine. It shut me right up, and I immediately started kissing her back. Her hand fumbled in my hair while the other cupped my cheek, a throaty moan leaving my lips when she slipped her tongue inside.

I opened my eyes to gaze into hers, but she had them closed. Without breaking the kiss she slid her hand down my stomach until she reached my pants. I could already feel myself growing wet when she slipped her hands inside my pants and rubbed the area through my underwear.

My eyes fluttered shut, another soft moan escaping my lips when her fingers reached inside my underwear. She thrust a finger inside me and I gasped at the initial contact.

She was watching me with a smirk when I opened my eyes again. Her lips broke free from mine as she stuck another finger inside me and increased her speed.

"Jesus, Nicky," I moaned, clutching my blankets in my hand. "Fuck, I'm - "

"Shh," Nicky quietly said, pressing her lips back to mine. Her fingers worked their way inside and out of me, leaving me breathless. I was close, so _fucking_ close..

"Count time, inmates!"

"Fuck!" Nicky hissed in a low voice, pulling her fingers out of me. I released my hold on my blankets as Nicky stood up, licking her fingers clean. "To be continued."

I sighed, mentally cursing the fuck out of the guards. I stood up and followed her out of our bunk as a guard walked inside, giving us each suspicious looks. Did they seriously have to do this _now_?

"I was so fucking close," I whispered, glancing behind the wall at the guard. He didn't hear me. "God!"

Nicky was smirking at me, and I was about to turn back around when I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, that the lock on my locker was gone. There wasn't much of anything inside, nothing important other than some candy and food.

And also Casey's several letters.

After the first one I started keeping the rest. I never had the courage to open them, and hoping one day I did, so I stashed them in their and bought a lock in case anyone tried to sneak through it.

Fuck!

The guard left out bunk, yelling clear as he walked by us. I flinched at his voice, and when every bunk was cleared I rushed into mine, stopping right in front of the locker.

"Oh my god," I said, panic settling inside me as I pulled the doors open. Nicky stared at me in confusion while I checked underneath the towels every inmate was given. "Shit! Shit, shit shit!"

"What? What the fuck is wrong?" Nicky said, walking up behind me and looking inside my locker. "You aren't holding out on me, are you?"

"God, Nicky, it's not fucking heroin," I said, standing up and looking over at her. "It's just.. it's.." I widened my eyes as realization dawned on me. "Fuck!"

Quickly brushing past her, I rushed out of the dorms. How could I have been so fucking stupid! How else would Vee have known about Casey?

She wasn't in the rec room or the TV room. It was past dinner so I knew she wasn't in the cafeteria. Outside was freezing as fuck so I crossed that off the list of places Vee could be.

She could be in her bunk. But that would be an ambush just waiting to happen, so I instead checked in the library. Only Poussey was there, reading some book slouched against the shelves.

"You haven't seen Vee, have you?" I asked as I approached her. She looked up from her book at me and shook her head.

"Nah, why? You looking for her?"

"Trying to," I said, my teeth clattering. I couldn't calm myself down.

With nowhere else to look, I went to the bathrooms. They were completely empty and I walked around to the showers, sitting down on the bench and closing my eyes. Not only did Vee have Casey's letters and most likely read every last word, I was being transferred down south to Virginia.

Yes, I would be with Piper so I wouldn't be completely alone. But what about Nicky? How would I survive without her by my side? Even in the midst of our several arguments, she was still there with me.

But now she wouldn't be. Who would watch out for her here? What if somehow heroin found its way back to her?

I left her vulnerable and addicted to drugs once, it wasn't happening again.

Even if we weren't ever going to be together, I could live with just being by her side. Making sure she was okay and wasn't out of line. Things were finally starting to look up for us, why did this have to fucking happen?

It was Vee. All Vee.

She warned me not to mess with her, and I still did. I was trying to protect Nicky and watch out for her, but instead I just screwed myself over. Funny how things work out sometimes.

At the sound of footsteps I stood up, peering behind the wall at the entrance to the bathrooms. When I didn't see anyone, I blamed it on paranoia and turned back around to sit down.

"Fuck!" I said, grabbing my chest with wide eyes. But they soon narrowed as my heartbeat slowed. "You're a fucking piece of shit, you know that?"

"So I've been told," Vee said, her lips curling into a smile. She stepped closer to me but I didn't move. "You're a smart girl, Jamie Spencer. I wondered how long it would take you to notice."

"That you're getting me fucking transferred? Or that you took something that was mine?"

She chuckled, stopping right when she was mere inches from me. "Nothing in prison is yours. Open your eyes, kid. This is the real world."

My eyes narrowed even more when she called me kid. Only Nicky ever called me that. Hearing Vee refer to me as that made me want to jump out of my own skin.

"It's over," Vee said, breaking the silence. "It's too late for you to do anything about it. You're being transferred to Virginia on Saturday, maybe there you will know not to piss the wrong people off."

"You're a fucking riot," I snapped. "You've won, congratulations! You know how fucked up my ex was and now you've successfully ripped me away from Nicky. Does it feel good knowing you've destroyed someone's life?"

"Casey Brookes, huh?" she said, raising her eyebrows. "And Nicky Nichols. You sure do know how to choose them. Maybe leaving this prison will teach you a thing or two."

My eyes narrowed dangerously as I reached up to grab her shoulders, pushing her back with as much force as I could muster. She stumbled back with a shell shocked expression before it disappeared into anger.

"Fuck you! So what, now you're going to tell everyone?" I angrily said. "Spill the beans about how fucked up Jamie Spencer is? How she beat her boyfriend to a bloody pulp? How he ruined my fucking life?"

Only he didn't ruin my life. Being sent here meant I was with Nicky again, but Vee didn't need to know that. I felt like fucking strangling her.

"You better watch your tone with me," Vee hissed, taking a step back closer to me. She was fuming, pissed, and I suddenly felt small standing under her menacing glare. Scared, even. "I don't take people like you too kindly. Because back when I ran the prison, I killed any bitch who crossed my path. And yet you're still here, standing in front of me acting like you're some tough macho man."

My fists clenched together and I was a second away from punching her right on her jaw, but her next words stopped.

"Did he leave marks on you, Jamie?" she said, her voice suddenly calm again. "Visible marks for the public eye to see? Or were you smart enough to conceal it?"

"Shut the fuck up," I said, but my voice was barely louder than a whisper.

"Did the parents like him? Or, wait - the mom? Did she approve of your choice?"

"Just stop," I whispered, closing my eyes. Only images of Casey appeared in my mind.

"Is that what led you to Nicky Nichols? The absence of a caring mother to nurture you," she slowly said, and my eyes snapped open at the mention of Nicky. Each word was pushing me, pushing me over the edge. "Or was it her heroin addiction? Maybe if she had a mother figure she wouldn't have turned out so fucked up, don't you think?"

"Shut your fucking mouth! You don't know shit about her!" I yelled, pushing her towards the shower stalls. She fell back onto the stall, her forehead colliding with the stall. I widened my eyes, my breath caught in my throat as she slowly turned back to look at me.

Blood dripped down her forehead. Her lips slowly curled into a smile and I slowly took a step back, the bench hitting the back of my legs.

"You're going to regret that," she said. I raised my arms up to defend myself, but it wasn't enough.

Her fist shot out, connecting with my jaw. I fell back onto the bench, placing my hands flat on them as blood dripped off my mouth. It brought memories back of my last night with Casey Brookes.

It felt exactly the same, except this time I was on the other end. Vee roughly grabbed my shoulders, slamming me against the wall. The force sent a wave of pain shooting down my spine.

"You're going to regret ever messing with me," she hissed, her hands digging into my shoulders. I bit my lip to keep from crying out in pain, but she had to of seen it in my eyes.

Vee threw me back into the shower stall and I collided with the wall, using it to keep from falling. My legs felt wobbly as Vee punched my again, the pain this time around my eyes.

Smirking once more at me, she started to turn around and leave when I balled my hand into a fist and used whatever strength I had left to punch her.

She gasped in pain, reaching up to touch her throbbing cheek as she looked back over at me, her eyes darkening into something fucking terrifying.

"You just don't know when to stop," she growled, hitting me with another punch that knocked me down to the floor of the shower stall. I touched my throbbing, swollen eye and looked up at Vee. Her back was to me and she was walking away.

I scooted backwards until my back hit the wall of the shower stall, pulling my legs up to my chest. The tears started to form in my eyes and with Vee gone, I didn't hold any of them back.

No one ever came into the bathrooms. It had to of been around nine, so it wasn't time time for lights to be out. My grip around my legs tightened and I rested my chin on my knees when I heard footsteps on the other side of the wall.

I hoped to hell it wasn't Vee. Fighting Casey was a different story than fighting Vee. With Casey, I had the upper hand because I was the one who got the first hits in. And Vee, Vee was expecting this. She was expecting a fight and came prepared.

"Jamie? What the fuck are you doing, kid?"

I weakly lifted my head to glance up at the familiar voice.

"Jesus fuck, what the hell happened?" Nicky said, her eyes filled with concern as she lowered herself in front of me. "I was looking everywhere for you. Poussey said you were looking for Vee - did she fucking do this?"

She gently grasped the bottom of my chin, lifting my head up to inspect me. Anger flashed through her eyes and she started to stand up, probably to find Vee and beat the living shit out of her, but I quickly grabbed her arm.

"Don't leave," I quietly said. She paused, the anger in her eyes disappearing. "Please."

"I won't," she said, moving so she was sitting beside me. She wrapped her arm around me and I rested my head on her shoulder. "What fucking happened?"

"Vee happened," I replied, my voice small. "I was looking for her, and.. she found me here."

"So you two beat the shit out of each other?"

I sniffled when another tear rolled down my cheek. "I didn't really get any hits in."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I never wanted to talk about anything. It made me feel weak talking about these things with Nicky, it always had. Only on my worst nights would I cry to Nicky over shit like this. She never cried, though. She only got pissed.

If I told her what happened, she would be watching Vee. Waiting to just attack her for doing this to me, and I didn't want Nicky to get in trouble. If I was leaving, I couldn't keep Nicky away from Vee.

But Nicky would be the only person who would understand what I was going through. She was the only person who ever did understand me.

"I came looking for her because she took something of mine," I said, breaking the silence. I could feel Nicky's eyes on me, but I kept mine straight ahead. "Every week I've gotten a letter from Casey, and.. instead of reading them I stashed them in my locker."

"The boyfriend?" Nicky said, frowning. "The fucking cheater?"

"Vee had taken them," I said. "I don't know why. Maybe for ammunition against me, I guess. I didn't like the idea of her having them, because I didn't know what was in the letters and couldn't risk her finding out about - "

The words died off my lips. My tears seemed to stop. Nicky rubbed my shoulder, and I knew this would require more explaining. Filling in the rest of the pieces that were originally missing.

"About him cheating," she finished. But when I didn't answer, she continued. "That is what happened, right?"

"When I caught him cheating on me, my friend took me to this bar with some of her other friends. Casey was there, and he wanted to talk outside. He was just.. being really fucking persistent, and so we talked outside.. but.."

"But what?" Nicky asked.

"He got this idea, and.. and his hand was around my throat.. he just wouldn't fucking stop," I cried, my chest feeling heavy. I couldn't say the words. I couldn't finish. "I felt scared, terrified to be in my own body. He started, and.. I knew it wasn't the movies and there wouldn't be some knight in shining armor to save me.. So I saved myself."

Nicky had gone rigid beside me, her body cold and frozen. I finally tore my eyes away from the floor to look at her, only she was now staring straight ahead, her lips quivering. But when she felt me looking, her eyes quickly met mine.

"So I kneed him in the groin before he could.. you know." My voice was cracking. "I started punching him, and kicking him. I just couldn't fucking stop, Nicky. His blood was just.. everywhere, and he eventually stopped moving but I just couldn't fucking stop. I couldn't live with the idea of him doing that to me."

My voice was so quiet I wasn't even sure if she heard me. She smoothed out my hair and kissed the top of my head.

"What.. _happened_ , isn't your fucking fault," Nicky softly said. "Okay? Don't blame yourself for what happened."

"It's too late for that," I murmured, closing my eyes when the tears started to make a reappearance. "I'm not worth it, Nicky. I'm fucked up, and.. I left you when you needed me most, and - "

"Hey, don't hold onto that," she quickly said. "I was the one who broke my promise, alright? You were just looking out for yourself."

More tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn't stop them. Nicky didn't seem to mind, only tighten her grip on me and pull me in closer.

"I'm gonna miss you so fucking much," I whispered.

"Me too, kid," she said, her own voice cracking. "Me too."


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey guys.**

 **This isn't a chapter, sorry to get your hopes. I've come with a question for my readers.**

 **I still have the plot of this story stuck in my head, and I have recently begun writing a new version of Hold Me Down. There are a lot of things I've noticed in my original writing that I've changed, things I didn't like about the story and my character.**

 **Would anyone be interested in reading that? A new, updated version of Hold Me Down?**

 **If people are interested I will definitely post it as soon as possible. So please review and tell me if you like the idea!**


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